This is the year I cut my friends off. Not all of them, just 5. That sounds like a lot, but these were relationships I’ve hung on to way longer than I should have.

I’ve never cut a friend off before. Drifted apart, yes. But never just definitively decided to cease pursuing a relationship with a friend and then acted on it. I’m soft and sensitive, and while that can be a strength in some respects, it has not served me well in relationships, romantically or platonically. I hang onto everyone and everything in the fervent hope and belief that they will grow and become better people. But they rarely do, and all waiting around has done for me is leave me feeling sad and isolated.

In writing this post, I immediately recognized that I was dealing with five distinct and well-known archetypes of “bad friends”. That’s the joy of writing. You can organize and articulate what’s wrong instead of just walking around wondering why you’re sad.

The Jealous Friend

My jealous friend is someone I have known for coming up on a decade. We have been through a lot together and have never once had a fight. Not because we’re amazing at navigating conflict, but because I felt that this was a relationship that wouldn't survive an argument.

I love this person dearly. However, they are ruled by crippling insecurity. It has held them back from pursuing their dreams in many ways. And that’s its own tragedy because this is someone who I think would have found great success if they had the courage to pursue their dreams.

But they don’t go after what they want. They stay comfortable, judging everyone else for going after what they want. Years ago, I walked in on them whispering to someone else about me. I didn't catch a lot, but I knew it wasn’t good. And they immediately walked off when she saw me- no apology, shame, nothing.

I put up with her for years because she was fun and we shared many interests. But this year, I didn’t hear from her for my birthday. This was a friend who always reached out on special occasions, and I did the same for her. I could have even understood if it was a day or two later and they reached out to apologize and say they missed it. But that didn’t happen either. They have reached out since, just without acknowledgment that I recently celebrated a birthday.

I was willing to overlook their shortcomings, but I draw the line at apathy toward me and the friendship.

The Insecure Friend

I met this friend in law school. We bonded over being older than most of our cohorts and what I believed at the time were shared beliefs about social justice.

Towards the end of law school, cracks began to form. This friend was heavily involved on campus and, as a result, was well liked in the school community and earned accolades. Some people can tolerate good things happening to them; this friend couldn’t. She let that shit get to her head.

She had a “believe women” sticker but then hung out with an alleged rapist at our school and posted photos with him to social media. She advocated for harm reduction but wouldn’t omit an ounce of sympathy when I went to her to say that it seemed a mutual acquaintance was going through a hard time with her mental health.

Her ego grew, and now she’s too big for her breeches. Like, you know how it’s a courtesy and a sign of respect to call professors by their title and last name? This friend would call every professor by their first name. Some profs did allow that, but the courtesy and custom is to wait for them to say you can do that. She did it as a default. She felt she had some kind of a right to.

Another more recent instance was even more flagrant. Where I live, lawyers must wear a prescribed uniform. A part of that is black pants and a skirt. Not hard to do, by the way - a lot of pants and skirts are black. Well, she showed up in the full outfit, with a black-and-white polka-dot skirt, and then posted it to Instagram, saying that several judges were divided about her skirt. This is the practice of law: a rule-heavy profession centered on following rules (regulations/laws). But instead of following the rules (and an extremely simple and easy one at that), she chose to thumb her nose at them and then publicly revel in the fact that sitting judges found her outfit inappropriate.

The final straw was a few weeks ago. I was going through a brutal time but had a wedding to go to. I truly made a Herculean effort to try to get there, but it just was not meant to be. When I reached out to my friend to tell her, she didn’t ask if I was okay or what was going on. Instead, she sent a lengthy message about how, in her opinion, skipping a wedding was bad form. That’s the snide comment a hater says under their breath. But this bitch had gotten so big for her breeches that she was fine to put that in a message and send it to a “friend”. To this day, I still have no idea what prompted her to say that.

I have peace about it though because I can feel in my soul that she shared a screenshot of that message with a bunch of our mutual friends and did not get the support she wanted. She sucks, but we had a solid friend group of emotionally intelligent women, and I know they hit her with a “Well, actually…” when she came knocking for validation.

When I’m done with someone, I just move on. But inevitably her ego will be her downfall. I’m interested to know how it will play out - I’ve always loved an epilogue.

The Male-Centred Friend

I grew up with Sex and the City. I was a latchkey kid, so to me, Carrie Bradshaw is a babysitter first and a writer second. I have had a pretty liberal view about women who date and have sex multiple men - at the same time or in shifts, whatever. It’s not for me, mostly because I just can’t manage a calendar like that, but kudos to the girls who can.

But there is a big difference between women who love men and women who prioritize men. I thought this friend was the former but, as time went on, I began to realize it was the latter. She started dating married men. She would continue to date while other men were under the impression that there was exclusivity. It was hard to make plans because she was always out with a man.

It became clear that this was someone who had some kind of addiction to male attention to the point where it was never enough. She would date six men at a time and would always have room for one more. This compulsive need to be surrounded by men and male attention became too much. I haven’t cut her off, though, just withdrawn. A part of me thinks it’s a reaction to a bad breakup. I admit I went through a little bit of the same myself after my breakup, but I caught it relatively early and then took a total break from dating and men. And I never dated a married man.

The Ex

I wrote a whole breakup series that documented my relationship with my ex and why we didn’t work out.

My ex was someone I genuinely had a wonderful friendship with. We broke up as a couple because his family was racist, but we continued to stay friends. We did it successfully for months, but then issues in the relationship, plus new things, crashed that plane too.

One was that he got a new girlfriend. Of course, as an ex-girlfriend, I had hard feelings about that. But then watching how he talked about his new girlfriend was a catalyst in pushing through the breakup pain - he was kind of terrible. One of the first things he told me about her, unprompted, was that she was short. This man loved tall women; he made that known even during our relationship. I knew exactly what he meant when he said she was short.

The second thing is that he would not read her book (she’s a published author). When I suggested he read at least one of her books, he laughed and said she didn’t care. I told him there was no way that was true, then had to really push him before he finally agreed to read the book. Also, they’ve been dating for 6/7 months now, yet I was still an active part of his life until last week. And it was me who cut it off.

A breakup is hard regardless of who you are. For someone as tender-hearted as I am, it’s been brutal. I knew I needed to cut this person off, but I so badly wanted to keep the friendship and find a way to keep him in my life. This is a person I love and care about deeply, and cutting him out of my life has been extremely difficult. But it’s also extremely necessary.

My ex had a hard life in many respects but never acknowledged and dealt with it. Even when I pointed out how his refusal to stand up for himself was actively harming him and his happiness, he just couldn’t deal with it. But his inability to look up and see how his behavior affected others was the last straw. He was also doing things that I told him made me upset, but he continued anyway. When I asked him why, all he could say was that he “genuinely didn't know”.

Boy, bye.

The Guy Who Was in Love With Me (Then Tried to Rape Me)

The summer after my second year of law school, I was working at a legal clinic. There was another guy who worked there, an alumna of the same law school I was going to. We became fast friends and spent a lot of time together. We grew close, but he grew closer to me than I was to him.

It became apparent that this guy was in love with me. I was still dating my ex at the time, so I began distancing myself. He didn't like that, so the few times we saw each other around campus were always weird and tense.

My ex and I broke up in September. At the end of the following December, I decided to go to Chicago. I stayed in a suburb 30 minutes north of the city. After I posted a photo from my trip on Instagram, my friend reached out to say that New Year’s Eve in Chicago sounded fun. I didn’t respond. And then he just showed up in Chicago.

I felt kind of isolated and alone at the time, so against my better judgment, my friend invited me out for drinks and I said yes. He himself had a long-time friend who lived in the city; a lawyer with no kids and a spacious apartment with a guest bedroom. We picked a spot and a time to meet.

As the time approached, I realized the drive was way longer than expected. I figured it would be 30 minutes, but the map showed 45+. I asked my friend if we could meet at a bar further north in Chicago to spare myself some driving. He reluctantly agreed, and we shifted venues. We had dinner; it was fine. Then we were on a walk around the city when he said something about how I was “constantly moving the goalpost”.

“What the heck does that mean?” I asked. He just stood there, stammering for something to say. Then he let me know that he was upset about the venue change. At first blush, I thought he was just being a baby and an asshole who didn’t want to drive. I drove 30 minutes, but it’s the end of the world for you to drive 15? Later, he revealed that he had gotten a hotel that night. Weird, because he had been staying with his friend, but I didn’t think anything of it at the time.

It was on the drive home that I realized why he had been so angry. It wasn’t just that the venue was changed. It was that it was 15 minutes away from the hotel he had gotten in hopes of having sex with me after a night of drinking. If you’re relying on intoxication to get you laid, yeah, those 15 minutes would piss you off. Oh, and also, that’s fucking rape.

I didn’t even tell him what I realized he had tried to do. I simply removed and blocked him from my social media and never responded to any other messages he sent me.

Anyway, as you can see, people that I should not, and shan’t, be keeping around.

Last September, my boyfriend of 2 years, John, and I broke up.

There was no fighting, loss of trust, or infidelity. In fact, leading up to the day we broke up, we always said it felt like the honeymoon phase of the relationship never ended. I don’t even think we’ve fallen out of love, almost a year later, unfortunately.

Yet we remain apart.

Depending on the person, I have three levels of explanation for why we broke up.

Level 1 - Strangers: we wanted different things

Level 2 - Friends and Family: my ex’s family wanted him to date someone of his own culture

Level 3 - The Closest of Friends and Family: my ex’s family was fucking racist and didn’t want him to be with a Black woman

The realest reason, of course, is that John ultimately decided that he would rather be comfortable and not challenge his family on racism than stand up for our relationship. And that is the reason we have also not gotten back together. I’m sure he loves me, but at the end of the day, he prioritized his comfort over me, our relationship, and racism. And then stayed that way.

Even though I know the breakup technically still comes down on John, I also harbored anger towards his family for some time. I resented them for being the obstacle he couldn’t clear and for their role in the demise of the relationship. I also resented them for choosing to enforce their own bias and racism against their son instead of letting him be happy.

Earlier in the grieving stages, I felt like I was robbed of not just a romantic partner but also my best friend, and potentially my husband and father of my children. A much more monumental loss when I started seeing it that way, but necessary to acknowledge for the healing journey.

The breakup was difficult, and it’s still ongoing, albeit heavily subsided. The worst of it is over (I feel, hope, and pray). That being said, I still have days here and there where I miss the heck outta John and just wish we could be together again. And there have been times post-breakup when John would do something that reminded me why I loved him, and then I felt sad all over again.

It’s a process, but we enjoy a sunny day more after rainfall.

Men who hate their wives are not a new phenomenon. The funniest joke to Boomers is that being married sucks and that all wives are a bitch. The modern version is watching women on TikTok describe blatant mistreatment from their husbands and then expecting you to laugh at it, seemingly unaware that their husbands do not like them.

“Well, why would a man be with a woman he doesn’t like?” Low self-esteem. And most men have low self-esteem. My father included. So I got to watch a relationship between a man and a woman progress into marriage, even though the man hated his wife’s fuckin’ guts.

The woman is not my mother; she was the woman after her. My father’s second marriage. Let’s call her “Lilly”.

Lilly and my dad met on Plenty of Fish. At the time, my dad was still married to my mom. Don’t worry, it’s not as sad as it sounds; she was cheating on him too. The difference with Lilly, though, was that eventually, my dad decided to leave my mom. Still not sad, though; they had a terrible marriage.

When Lilly and my dad started dating, he told her he was divorced. He was not. My sister and I told him that he needed to be upfront and honest about it. He didn't; he just kept complaining about it. Eventually, he was forced to confront it when a friend of Lilly’s googled him and discovered photos of him and my mom online, posted less than a year prior. Apparently, Lilly was so distraught, she had to leave work immediately.

Despite the secrecy and glaring red flag that had just presented itself, the relationship continued. My parents separated; I went with my mom, and my sister went with my dad. Most of the story of what proceeded came from my sister.

Eventually, my dad and Lilly decided to move to Madrid. Lilly did all the extensive paperwork to get them their visas: a work visa for my father and a tourist visa for her. My sister told me that our dad had tried to fill out the forms himself but couldn’t because he found them too frustrating, so he gave up. It was Lilly who salvaged the effort and pushed it through.

In the process, my dad, clearly in the midst of a midlife crisis, decided to sell off most of his things and live simply. Lilly decided to join him and sell off most of her things too. She loved designer shopping and had amassed quite a collection of clothing and accessories, aided by the fact that she had no children to waste money on. She gave away most of her clothing to charity. She sold what she could on Facebook Marketplace or Poshmark for a fraction of its value, including Louboutins and various designer handbags. She gave a few things to my sister and me. My sister got a Louis Vuitton Speedy, and I got a new-with-tags Chanel lambskin flap (I was her favorite because I met her first).

An important detail I forgot to add: when Lilly and my dad left, it was on the understanding that my dad would not want to ever get married again. They had been dating for less than a year when they left. Lilly quit her job and would wait at a cafe near where my dad worked all day. Her family, understandably upset by her decisions to quit her job and pursue a relationship with my father full time, cut her off. Her friends were doubtful. I think her roommate even asked her to move out, but don’t quote me on that. This life that Lilly had built for herself was swiftly dispensed with upon meeting my father.

My father, no doubt, was making grand promises to Lilly. She would tell us as much. But when it was just my dad and me, he would talk about his relationship with Lilly as if it was easily disposable. If she wanted more than he was willing to give, he had no problem leaving; he would tell me. I always saw that as barking, not biting. Because he was incredibly emotionally dependent on Lilly. He even brought her to the delivery room shortly after my sister gave birth because he didn't have the cajones to face my mom by himself.

Lilly, without a doubt, had cripplingly low self-esteem. It was obvious in the way she prioritized my father and threw away her life to wait around on him. She told us often that she had been overweight in her youth, and it was clearly an insecurity that she never got over, even as a size 6/8 adult. Her entire self-worth and identity were tied to my dad, even though he did not see a future with them. My sister also told me that an issue was flagged in the immigration process for Lilly’s application. Even though she had done all the paperwork, my father’s apparent and immediate reaction was to say that that was “too bad” and that it was “on” Lilly to get to Spain.

Once in Spain, Lilly was incredibly lonely. My dad worked all day and pursued a social life. Lilly was unable to work and did not speak the language. I have to imagine she went through a severe depression. My dad was of the opinion that she should make her own way in Spain and that he was not responsible for her happiness. The only concession he made was to travel. They both liked traveling.

But my father might be a narcissist, so he will twist anything to get what is ultimately his want. He told my sister he could not go to her wedding because he “had” to take Lilly to Germany for her birthday - to make it up to her for being so depressed in Spain. He could not wrap his head around why my sister found that upsetting.

Eventually, my sister and I lost touch with our dad. My sister lost touch first. I guess I’m still technically in touch with my dad, but it’s very sparse. I did get the conclusion of his life with Lilly. Eventually, fed up with the isolation of Spain and disrespect of my father, she finally left him and moved to Calgary. She and my father co-own an apartment in Spain together. He is scared to ask her for a divorce in case it causes him to somehow lose it.

He has since met another woman. As with Lilly before her, he also did not tell her he was married until I told him he had to. And thus the cycle continues.

My mother still harbors deep resentment for Lilly. I told her she will have reached true inner peace when she learns that Lilly was the best thing that ever happened to her. My dad did not want the same things as her, and my parents were miserable together. I feel awful for Lilly. She lost so much of herself in that relationship, and for what? If anything, her relationship with my dad is a cautionary tale as to why you have to be so secure in yourself to date successfully. Do not settle, especially if the man is obviously a loser who is indifferent to you.

You know who Bill Gates is, right? Microsoft co-founder, the world’s richest man for several years running, associate of Jeffrey Epstein? Yeah, good.

Well, Bill Gates has two daughters: Jennifer and Phoebe.

Phoebe Gates, the younger daughter, has been in the headlines recently. She co-founded an AI shopping app called Phia with her Stanford roommate Sophia Kianni in 2025. It functions as a browser extension and phone app, price-checks items as a user shops, and then sources cheaper new or secondhand versions from across the web. It’s marketed as “Google Flights, but for fashion.” The startup built a star-studded cap table. Backers include Hailey Bieber, Khloé Kardashian, Sheryl Sandberg, Sara Blakely, Alix Earle and Tyra Banks. Currently, Phia has raised roughly $43 million.

This past week, Phia was accused of “cookie stuffing”. What that means is it’s overriding other affiliates’ referral codes to claim commissions for sales it did not drive. The scheme led to the app's suspension from the affiliate platform Impact.com. Phia addressed the issue promptly, saying it was a bug, not fraud, and that the issue has been fixed. And that may very well be the case, but you know the internet: worst-case scenario is the presiding fact. Also, I feel like the media was harsher about this than they are toward AI companies that steal people’s work and don't compensate them. Such is the life of women in…well, anything, really.

So, I will give Phoebe that; the scrutiny and response to this seemed disproportionate to what men in tech have done. I don’t remember people being this vocal when Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook were accused of fueling a genocide in Myanmar. Elon Musk ordered employees back to work in defiance of a stay-at-home order meant to stop the spread of a pandemic. Don’t get me started on Peter Thiel.

The thing is, though, why did this happen? I don’t really know much about tech and software engineering, but I would assume that a daughter of Bill Gates will be paired with top engineers and project managers. Maybe there’s an employee with something to gain, either way it’s certainly not a good look. How can someone with the right connections and wealth botch running an app? And, thinking about that, I realized this is not the first time Bill Gates has had a daughter completely miss the landing on an opportunity served on a gold platter.

Bill’s other daughter is Jennifer “Jenn” Gates. She the eldest. Jenn is now married, has two children, and is a doctor, specifically a pediatric resident. However, she used to be an avid competitor in the equestrian sport of show jumping. The thing to know right away: Jenn was competing at the level where most horses cost upper six figures and into the millions. Expensive.

Like most riders, we can assume she wanted to rise to the top of the sport and go to the Olympics. So her dad got her the best horses. And then he got her thee best horse: Darry Lou.

Darry Lou was being ridden by Beezie Madden at the time and having tremendous success. He and Beezie were slated to compete in individual and team show jumping at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. Unfortunately, COVID delayed the games by one year. Safe assumption that the sale agreement for Darry Lou specified that transfer of ownership would occure after the original 2020 Olympic date.

Did Jennifer acquiesce to let Beezie ride for another year to give Team USA the best chance at gold? No, she did not. She took over the ride soon after the games were canceled and proceeded to do nothing. Jenn never got this horse to a podium, IIRC, and, again, this was the best horse money could buy at the time.

Eventually Jenn gave up and let her husband, Nayel Nassar, have the ride. If you’re not into horses, quick summary: Nayel rides for Egypt and is top-ranked (#60 at time of this writing). So like he’s good, and he did have some success but never was able to get Darry Lou to the Olympics as Beezie nearly had. Darry Lou retired to stud in 2024.

Honestly, I do think his legacy was marred by the sale to Jennifer Gates. Also, it’s very reasonable to say that the US Olympic team very likely lost a medal. And for what? Jennifer is a good rider but she’s never been close enough for Olympic consideration. She also wasn’t riding well enough at the time to warrant the jump to Darry Lou. I guess she thought maybe she would grow as a rider with him but I think their partnership exposed that she has hit the ceiling of her riding capabilities.

Jenn is good but not the best and, turns out, not Olympic caliber. It’s tough but that’s life and that’s most people. For what it’s worth, I am also not an Olympic caliber rider. It’s just kind of unfortunate that bigger stakes and a top horse’s prime were wasted so a rich girl could come to terms with the limitations of her riding ability.

So, it turns out money really can only take you so far. You can buy the best horse in the world, but Beezie Madden’s talent doesn’t come with the bill of sale. You can staff a startup with a billionaire dad, and it still won’t stop you from (allegedly) getting caught cookie-stuffing your way to commissions you didn’t earn. Both Gates daughters had the same resource: a seemingly inexhaustible supply of their father’s money. And both ran into the same wall: the job asked for something a check can’t buy, and neither of them had it. You can inherit the cap table, the connections, and the horse. You can’t inherit the part that actually makes it work.

But, you know what, at the end of the day I commend them both for getting degrees and working. I don’t even blame either of them for using the opportunities afforded to them. This article merely serves as a reminder that life is hard, and so is success - even with every possible advantage. So be easy on yourself if your own journey isn’t turning out how you’d hoped.

Anyway.

Live, laugh, love, spend your dad’s money,

Jay

Something I’ve struggled with is putting myself out there online. It’s never felt like a big deal, but I’ve been working on myself this year, and part of that has been noticing the small, inconsequential things that actually mask deeper stuff. Staying anonymous was one of them. I recognized it was born out of anxiety, and I’ve reliably found that the best way to get over anxiety is to go through it.

There’s an obvious case for being online: it can grow a professional presence, build community, occasionally hand you a wildly random opportunity (see: the woman who got signed after singing a jingle about Dr. Pepper on TikTok), or give you a platform for a cause you care about. I know all this. It’s never been the issue.

The issue is the fear underneath it, and it breaks down into three things: being dragged, people I know seeing what I make, and actually becoming popular.

The dragging one falls apart under any scrutiny, as I’m not an offensive person; I’ve never gone after a marginalized group. The worst-case scenario is maybe a misunderstanding, since I joke and I’m sarcastic and that doesn’t always land in text. But even a misunderstanding requires someone willing to be uncharitable, and I don’t know why I give that hypothetical person so much power.

The “people I know” fear collapses even faster. People who know me know me. They’d read my sense of humor correctly far more reliably than a stranger would. And I’m not exactly disliked in real life, so there’s no real reason that wouldn’t translate.

The fear of becoming popular is the one I can’t talk myself out of as easily. My bar is embarrassingly low - 50 people and I’d feel like I’d “made it”. But even that unnerves me. Which is objectively absurd, because plenty of people are actively trying to build an audience and only a tiny fraction manage it. If people who are chasing attention on purpose mostly don’t get it, I’m not sure what I’m at risk of.

And I have evidence this works out fine. I ran an Instagram account for marginalized individuals in my sport one summer. I wasn’t even the main character, just the person featuring other riders, and it blew up. I ended up in a magazine and on my sport’s national governing body's website, and was asked to model for the provincial body. None of that happened because I stayed careful. It happened because I showed up.

There’s also a more rational fear underneath the irrational one: I live somewhere with decent privacy protections, but I know how fast the internet can turn on you regardless, especially if you’re vocal about anything political. I am staunchly pro-Palestine, specifically, and I have seen someone (an Israeli Jew specifically, mind you) lose a job over nothing more than being photographed in a keffiyeh. That fear is real enough that I’d genuinely rather wait until I’m past probation at my new job in November before I say much of anything provocative online. But waiting for the “safe” moment and just doing the thing are two different strategies, and I’m not sure the safe moment ever actually arrives.

So: I can’t rationalize staying hidden beyond simple comfort, and there’s no growth in comfort. I’m not going to go from zero to posting Substack essays on my personal LinkedIn overnight. But I do have a more public-facing Substack, and that’s my personal project to practice putting myself out there more.

When you date a man, always dig into his past relationships. Don’t be shy; they want you to. Make them feel like they’re on Oprah.

And it’s important to ask them that question with semi-regularity because, as you two get closer, he will reveal more. In those discussions, he will inevitably give you the full field report of what it’s like to date him. Your ex’s past girlfriends are your greatest allies in dating because that’s who you will inevitably hear from through this man.

She/they have done the studies, they have given him the notes, and now he’s telling you. So, if those notes are not good: leave. This doesn’t need to be a peer-reviewed study. If this is a new relationship for you, then the woman before you has probably known them for longer. What was significant enough to break them up?

When your man inevitably opens up, he always quotes the ex with sarcasm, insinuating that you are supposed to agree with him. Do not. Like, why would his ex-girlfriend lie to him? Most women aren’t vindictive enough to make something up, and they don’t need to. Men are naturally heavily flawed.

If he’s telling you, “And then she said I had intimacy issues” or “She said I yelled at her too much,” like he just gave you declassified information. He just spelled out what’s ahead for you in a year when things start to get comfortable, and he starts letting his walls down; his walls being the pretense that he’s a decent guy.

And this will always eventually come out. Because men cannot handle criticism. So, when they get genuine criticism from an ex, they will stew on it until they meet their next girlfriend, and then share it in the hope that the new girlfriend will validate their bad behavior and tell him that it’s his ex that’s crazy, not him.

Don’t do it. Look him in the eye and ask, “Are you saying she’s lying?” And then watch them spin. They feel like they can’t lie because (DEEP down) they know that they’re already on thin ice. So they try a half-assed PR cover-up in real time, using “careful” wording to avoid accountability. But they can’t think that fast, so you can immediately tell what they’re doing.

I’m not telling you what to do with the information when you get it. But know that it’s going to be accurate or, at worst, pretty close to it. Sometimes relationships end on no-fault grounds: you didn’t click, someone moved away for a job, or you grew apart. But if you hear that the relationship ended on a personality flaw: tread lightly. Or run away.

Every time someone brings up imposing a new law/regulation on something, there is always one person piping about “slippery slopes”.

If that’s you, not gonna be nice about it: you are intellectually lazy and annoying. You’re also not providing a solution, just bitching.

Laws and regulations are necessary for the safe and proper functioning of society. Why would you protest something meant to keep you safe? Probably propaganda. If you live in most Western countries, you have enjoyed a lifetime of voting and free speech. And in all that time, laws and regulations were being passed. Why are you now suddenly worried about losing all your rights every time someone suggests imposing guidelines on something that has shown itself to cause harm?

Also, people never consider the slippery slope of not passing a law/regulation. And in fact, not only is that probably worse, but that is actually happening and wreaking havoc on your right to live.

If we loosen environmental protections or fail to keep up with changes, your environment gets poisoned. The longer we delay regulating AI, someone can take a photo of you or your child and use it to make porn. If we don’t put limits around what kind of content people put online and a standard it must be held to, we are going to continue having anti-vaxxers push misinformation that puts all of us at risk.

When laws are written, they are made publicly available before they are passed for anyone to see, read, and comment on through their elected official. That’s how a democratic government works; use it (I’m a little less confident for Americans but still, give ‘em a ring). And the process to pass these bills is long and full of debate. This is not something that gets passed in the middle of the night in secret, with absolutely no control. If a law regulating something imposed an unreasonable restriction on your civil liberties, you could see it in the bill and then take steps to voice your concern.

Also, trust your guardrails. Bad laws are always getting overturned/struck down by courts.

We cannot live in a constant mentality of “what if the worst happens”. What if the best happens? And think deeply on who is protected by refusing to address problems in our society. Actually, I’ll just tell you: it’s not us, the people - it’s corporations and evildoers who count on “well, it’s not illegal” to guide their decisions instead of ethics.

We stand to actually lose our rights and security if we continue to let corporations run unchecked. They’ve shown time and time again they can’t be trusted to act responsibly without rules. We see it with human rights violations, toxic waste dumping, overthrowing democratically elected leaders of countries for natural resources, etc.

We need better privacy laws. We need stronger competition laws. We need laws that protect people, the land around us, and the future of our economy and children. Regulations are good, and if you want to know what good government oversight looks like, look no further than the way rich people and corporations have actually done a fantastic job of showing us through securities law. Because investing is a big part of how they build wealth, they don’t mind the intense scrutiny and oversight.

A major component of securities law is that information conveyed to investors, potential or otherwise, must be fully transparent. The reason taking a company public is so damn expensive is the relentless scrutiny various professionals apply to ensure that whatever the company says is true. There are dedicated securities tribunals that levy HEAVY fines. A few years ago, a man gave a presentation to investors that contained misleading information, and he was hit with a $1 million fine by the Ontario Securities Commission. Companies have paid less for leaking customer information or dumping toxic waste.

Laws and regulations are supposed to protect the rights and well-being of the people. Passing something to protect those values is worth considering every time. It does not help us to ignore growing problems because of a propaganda talking point of “slippery slopes”. The real slippery slope is not doing anything and continuing to let corporations run unchecked while abusing our rights, privacy, and being.

After my phone call to John. (the one where I told him to break up with his girlfriend) I knew I needed to do something to try to get TF over this breakup. Or at least to a place of mental and emotional stability. So I reached out to John and asked him if we could go for a walk and discuss the breakup in total and unadulterated honesty. He agreed right away.

I’ve seen a lot of people speak out against a “closure talk,” but I found ours to be extremely helpful and therapeutic. Something that I think helped is that our relationship post-breakup was never sexual. I knew people who were hooking up post-breakup and trying to have closure talks in between, and they’d say it wasn’t helpful. I think sex complicates it, and luckily we kept things simple in that regard.

During our closure talk, John and I sat and talked for a long time. I brought my journal with me, and I read him some of the stuff I wrote. I had written stuff that I thought captured how I was feeling and my perspectives of him, us, the relationship, and the breakup. Some of it was a little harsh, but to John’s credit, he sat and listened to it all. I asked him all kinds of questions too, and he answered.

An accidental great choice we made was the park where we went and had the talk. It was about 30 min to get to from the parking lot, which gave us time to chat and kind of “warm up” for the conversation ahead. It made getting into the conversation much easier. And then the walk back was a good way to decompress and sort of say a few last things. Something I said to John on the walk back to the car was something like: “I’ll never have to ruminate on something left unsaid. I’ve told you everything.”

I really, truly put everything on the table. I asked John how the breakup had been for him, and he shared a little bit about his own heartache and journey to healing. A little bit was huge for him. Throughout our entire relationship, John would never admit to having a bad day/or time. He was always “fine”, even when he clearly wasn’t. So, his admitting he was having a hard time was a pleasant surprise.

In the end, seeing how John was in his new relationship helped me to move on. Not because he was miserable. But because he was still doing the same thing. And that meant we weren’t going to have a chance together for real, because he still hadn't learned to take action or say something when he’s unhappy in a situation. If he can’t stand up to a woman he’s been in a rocky relationship with for 5 months, then he definitely was not going to be making progress with his family. But still, my heart aches for him being in a relationship he’s unhappy in.

He’s in what is supposed to be the honeymoon phase of his new relationship, but they’re already hanging on by a thread from what he tells me. And the thing is, we always said throughout our relationship that it felt like the honeymoon phase never ended. Even through the ups and downs, it still felt light, easy, fun, and effortless. He knows what a good relationship is like; he knows he doesn’t have it, and despite going through everything we went through, he’s choosing to repeat the same pattern.

This breakup cracked me wide open emotionally, and I saw all kinds of things within myself that were unhealed, unaddressed, harmful, etc. The post-breakup healing is still in effect, plus all my unaddressed childhood trauma. But at least I can now identify harmful behaviors, including staying in a relationship out of fear of being alone. But, then again, I’m not speaking from practical experience. I hope I know better and will do better. But I haven’t dated anyone since I went through my healing journey (hate that white-people-with-dreadlocks phrase, but that is what it is). Who knows if I actually have what it takes to implement what I have learned and realized. I hope so.

Maybe John is in the same place I was, and he’s also using a relationship as a distraction. I hope he realizes what’s going on and amends it. John is legitimately a good guy, and I worry about how his inability to stand up for himself will impact him in life. I’ve already seen it happen a few times, and it breaks my heart. But what can I do? I’ve told him what I think - it’s up to him to do the work.

But, to his credit, he is starting to do the work. He used to refuse to even consider therapy. Now he’s actually going. I told him he needed to be more independent and should do things like travel alone. He’s doing exactly that right now. It took him a while, but I guess, in the end, he was listening. He has a long road ahead of him still, and it’s going to be hard. But I hope he perseveres, reflects, grows, and becomes really and truly his own person. Not someone dictated by fear and family.

We had that talk maybe two, maybe three weeks ago now. Where do we stand? I don’t know. I feel like I’ve moved on. I’ve even lost my interest in keeping in touch. Maybe that will change, but it’s how I feel right now. I still feel a bit angry at him sometimes, and some disappointment as well. Granted, something happened today (or at the time of this writing), and I messaged him about it right away because he was the only person whom I could tell a story to without having to provide necessary background info. I miss our friendship. I think in many ways, losing the friendship was harder than losing him as a boyfriend.

I will always readily admit I love John. Not in a romantic sense, I love him generally. I really do love and adore him for who he is as a person. He’s flawed, but he’s a product of his circumstances, and change is hard. And even though flawed, he’s still better than 99% of men. He wasn’t a perfect boyfriend, but he was a great boyfriend, and he especially went above and beyond when it mattered the most. He was there for me in incredibly low moments and continued to love me through them. I’ll always be grateful to him for that.

The Breakup Diaries chronicles my first gut-wrenching heartbreak: the relationship, the ending, and everything I learned about myself on the other side. The four-part series is linked below.

• Part 1: The Beginning & End

• Part 2: Delayed Response & Reaction

• Part 3: Moving On & Trying to Stay Friends

• Part 4: Closure (you’re here)

After John and I broke up, we promised to be friends and stay in touch, as every couple before us has. Unlike most couples, we actually did.

I saw a blush set on TikTok I really wanted, but it was only available at Costco, and I didn’t have a membership. I sent it to him, and he bought it and refused to take my money. When we went out for dinner, he would always insist on paying. When my aunt got sued by her insurance company, he offered to help her at no cost.

Our friendship was fine until John got a new girlfriend, let’s call her “Jane”. As mentioned in the last post, it was fine at first. But eventually, the breakup began to hit, and that changed.

I became angry and resentful of Jane. I hated her. And I hated that I hated her. There is nothing I like less than feeling out of control of my emotions. This woman had done nothing wrong, and neither had John. But because the breakup had taken me so long to process, it felt like seeing John move on to a new relationship a week after breaking up.

I was aware that I had moved on first (and twice) since we broke up, but it didn’t matter. I could have sat around all day, rationalizing what I should be feeling. But that’s not how breakups work. It’s grief. And it’s hard to just accept that a situation has ended. Last June, John and I were walking along the waterfront, talking about marriage. A year later, we were over, he had a new girlfriend, and I was struggling to cope with how different things were.

I told my sister and friends about what I was going through, and they assured me it was all very normal. And I would look through Reddit, taking in other people’s experiences with heartbreak. So many people shared their stories of suffering through breakups. Including the deeply embarrassing and low points, like driving by someone’s house or charging stuff to their credit card. I didn't do anything like that, but it made me feel better knowing that any respectable woman was capable of losing her mind.

I realized I still loved John deeply. And honestly, a part of me hoped we would get back together. I hoped he would move out of his parents' home, experience independence, become his own person, and start standing up for what he wanted. But it was clear that it would be stupid of me to put any hope in that - I had to move on.

But moving on was hard; I missed him so fucking much, and I missed the life we had shared together. I missed how he’d make me coffee every morning, unprompted, and then switched to tea when I told him I was going through an anxious time. I miss how he adored my dog and would always pick her up and hold her like a baby. I miss that whenever something was wrong, he would come as soon as he possibly could. I miss how nice he was to my friends, and how he would buy them McDonald’s when it was late and they were hungry.

I really miss his eyes; they were always changing colors. Sometimes they were blue, sometimes grey, sometimes green. When I got my cat, there was a period where he and John had the same eye color. They also had the same hair color, so I loved to joke that John was indisputably his biological father.

There were thousands of little things that made it a great relationship. More significantly, John was the first man I loved, and I loved being in love.

But there were hard parts too.

A few things to know about John: he is deeply sensitive and feeling, and deeply emotionally repressed. I’ve told him so, and he says he doesn’t agree. When we first started dating, he refused to even consider going to therapy. And I know that tidbit conjures images of some idiot dude bro, but John wasn’t like that. He was quiet and, goodness, just the nicest guy. Everyone who knew him in law school liked him, and I loved how he loved to help people. He was a super liberal guy too, but still, toxic masculinity and stereotypes about therapy were present.

He hated hard things, and sometimes I thought of him as kind of an opossum when it came to having a difficult conversation that would force him to acknowledge his feelings or something contentious. He just played dead, figuratively. There was a point in the post-breakup process when his inability to address conflict directly made me extremely resentful - to the point that I just wanted to cut him off. I calmed down, though.

We continued to be friends and hang out. And he would tell me about his girlfriend. And over the next couple of months, a picture of this person began to form. And in forming that picture, I realized two things. One was that John still loved me. And two, he does not like his girlfriend.

Everything you have read thus far: this is all stuff I have told John. Except that I think he’s still in love with me. There was a point once where we were talking openly about the relationship and he kind of alluded to it, and I could even feel him maybe wanting me to ask. I didn’t. It doesn’t matter. And he had/has a girlfriend.

But, yeah, other than that, every step I went through and thought I’ve had during this breakup have been relayed to him. What I think about him (good and bad), Jane, what his issues are, how he disappointed and angered me, all of it. We have maintained a chaotic but open dialogue throughout this process. I enjoyed a very direct, open, and honest relationship with John when we were together, and that continued after the breakup. And John, who struggled with emotions and openness throughout our relationship, has been way more open with me now than he was then.

As for his girlfriend, Jane, well, it doesn’t seem like he likes her very much. The most telling sign: he never says anything nice about her. It’s either purely descriptive or negative. He confided in me that they’re having problems. I didn't ask why - I got the sense that he both wanted and didn’t want me to ask. I figure, as the ex, that’s not a boundary I should cross, so their relationship will stay between them (but make no mistake, my nosey ass is dying to know).

There was also an incident that occurred a month or two ago that left me feeling unsettled. We were walking down the street, talking about all sorts of things before getting to his new relationship. I asked if Jane had any interests or hobbies beyond her job. I learned she was an author and was selling her books on Amazon. I told John he should read her book, and then he started laughing. Like, hard. Lowkey, I was kinda horrified. This was this woman’s passion and something she had presumably spent a lot of time on. Yet here was her boyfriend, absolutely in stitches at the idea of supporting that work.

John is not incapable of supporting something, even if he isn’t necessarily interested in it himself. When I asked if he wanted to try riding, he came with me right away. When I wanted to see an artist I loved, he skipped his rec league volleyball game to come with me (he never skipped volleyball). I never had to convince him to show up for me or support me.

I should probably not be getting involved, but anyway, I took it upon myself to coach this man. I told John that it would be super romantic to order the book, read it, and then give it a five-star review. He said Jane didn't care that he hadn’t read it. I assured him she did and that her friends and family would judge him if he didn’t read it. I had to push to convince this man to buy his girlfriend’s book. He eventually did, though. I wonder if he read it.

The other thing was that Jane herself had red flags. Call me a jealous ex-girlfriend if you want; I've already admitted as much, but here’s an incident John told me about. It was Jane’s friend’s birthday. For that friend’s birthday dinner, Jane took her to a cheap chain restaurant for wings. Those in attendance: Jane, the friend, and John. Yes, for her friend’s birthday dinner, she took her to a shitty restaurant, and she brought her boyfriend of 4 months. You can post that story to any Reddit sub, and Jane will come out as the villain every time. She’s in her late 20s - she should absolutely know better.

She also wasn’t physically John’s type. He was always going on about how he loved tall women. One of the very first things he ever mentioned about Jane, unprompted, was that she was shorter than he liked.

When the breakup started to hit, I didn't tell John for a few weeks, but it was already affecting our relationship. It came to a head as our bar ceremony approached. At some point, a few weeks before, I was spiraling, and I sent him an email detailing where the relationship ultimately went wrong. I also mentioned at some point that I was mad that he was bringing his new girlfriend to our bar ceremony and how dare he not be considerate of me and my feelings at this momentous event.

Is it right to ask your ex not to bring their new girlfriend to their bar ceremony? I didn’t care, but my friend said no. Whatever. I was emotionally fragile and just could not deal with Jane meeting John’s family. I had technically met them myself, but it was before they knew we were dating, and it was a spontaneous meeting in the middle of exams - I looked like a rat. As for the bar ceremony, I did calm down, though, and told John to ignore me - I was being ridiculous, and to invite Jane. In the end, he didn’t.

Is it a good idea to stay friends with your ex? Generally, probably not. Staying friends post-breakup was chaotic and a rollercoaster of emotions. I expect that we will inevitably grow apart. And probably sooner rather than later. John has years of self-reflecting and therapy ahead of him before he becomes the person I would ever consider dating again. And I’m ready for the next thing. I don’t wanna say too much cause I don’t want nobody buying. But suffice to say: I have such exciting things planned for myself in the next 3 years.

I worry that in 3 years, John will still be living with his parents, dating the same girl he doesn’t love, and working a job he doesn’t like. But whatever, that is his choice, and it’s not my job to coach him to his full potential. This is a rare instance where Mel Robbins’ “let them” actually applies quite nicely.

The Breakup Diaries chronicles my first gut-wrenching heartbreak: the relationship, the ending, and everything I learned about myself on the other side. The four-part series is linked below.

• Part 1: The Beginning & End

• Part 2: Delayed Response & Reaction

• Part 3: Moving On & Trying to Stay Friends (you’re here)

• Part 4: Closure

When John and I broke up, I was sad that night and cried.

But then I kinda felt fine. A small part of me worried I was emotionally broken. But I reasoned that in the last few months of the relationship, I kinda knew it was ending, so I must have grieved then. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was actually a devastating breakup, and I was in an 8-month denial period.

But, looking back, there were signs I was not okay. I dated two guys back-to-back. Both became serious and intense quickly, then ended abruptly. And I prioritized those relationships in ways I shouldn’t have, and I have heaps of regrets about both.

John and I stayed friends and had dinner together semi-regularly. I shared all my life updates with him, including the guys I was dating, and he said he was happy for me. He eventually worked up the courage to join a dating app, met a few women, and began dating one of them. And I was genuinely happy for him.

After ending the second relationship post-John, I realized I was not in a place to date. I had begun smoking a ton of weed, and it was helping me to really see my issues plainly for what they were. Among those: I was male-centered, and going through a period of depression and low self-esteem. I was also realizing that the two relationships, and how I behaved in them, were probably symptoms of the breakup.

I decided to quit dating and focus on myself. Clearly, I had issues to work on, and it wasn’t serving me well to date without fixing them. Without a man distracting me, I was now free to focus on my feelings. And so the cracks began to form.

I don’t remember exactly what triggered the meltdown. Maybe a combination of things. John and I had gone for dinner, and it was just…different. He seemed like a different person. Stand-offish, quiet, reserved. I left thinking, “This is the last time I will ever see him again.” When I got home, I decided to look at his girlfriend’s social media. She was starting to soft-launch him. There was a calm before the storm; the next day, I felt great, confident, and ready to move on. I completely fell apart the next day.

After months of suppressed feelings, the breakup finally hit, and it hit hard. I guess it was the realization that John was someone else’s now. We had always talked about what would happen when one of us got into a serious relationship. We agreed that the friendship would eventually have to end when one of us got serious, as a courtesy to our partner. When John and I broke up, staying friends made it easier. But now I realized I would actually lose John, for real.

And it was hard, really hard. I cried hard. I cried all the time. There were two or three nights when I was so distraught that I did not sleep at all - I just stayed up on my phone until I had to go to work. There were days where I couldn’t get out of bed. At my lowest, I think I went 5 days without showering. I was so depressed, and the sadness was so heavy, and it seemed like it would never end.

And then the crazy started to hit. I called John and told him to break up with his girlfriend or else. I came to my senses an hour later and called to apologize, but Christ. I will never forget how completely out of control I felt. When I called John back, I ended up telling him what I was going through and just sobbed. The next day was another hard one. John messaged me to check in, then sent me breakfast.

My feelings were bizarre, heavy, and all over the place. But I had decided early on that I would trust and fully lean into breakup advice, and that included feeling my feelings. When I felt awful, I would just sit with it, sit outside, or go for a short walk. There were two or three times when it was more than I could bear, so I turned to weed. But for the most part, I just embraced my feelings.

I also journaled vigorously. I have almost used up an entire journal in the processing of this breakup. That was also immensely helpful. Not only was it nice to just vent, but I could vent without a response. The thing I wanted most during the breakup was just to talk it through and vent. But people were always trying to offer advice and/or consolation - I hated that.

Eventually, I started to heal. I would force myself to acknowledge my feelings. That was never difficult until I had to sit and admit that I was extremely jealous of John’s new girlfriend. She was culturally acceptable to John’s family. I envied that she had him, that she had a future with him, and that John’s family accepted her. There was a week where I would wake up every morning in an anxiety attack, thinking about John and his new girlfriend. I hated that I thought about them. I didn't want to care, and it didn’t make sense to care - John and I don’t have a future together. Why do I care that he’s dating? But I did, and deeply.

But then that subsided too. I began to feel better. The sadness became limited to the mornings for a week or two, and would disappear after I had breakfast. I would still cry every now and then, but it became less frequent. I would see things online that John would have loved and just scroll right past them.

I began to think of him less. I began to think about dating more. I felt my interest in my hobbies return. I began to feel more at peace. I still have hard moments. And I have no idea what to expect; maybe hard feelings will return again. I’m very prone to strong emotions when my period is on the way. But I think (and pray) that the worst is behind me.

The Breakup Diaries chronicles my first gut-wrenching heartbreak: the relationship, the ending, and everything I learned about myself on the other side. The four-part series is linked below.

• Part 1: The Beginning & End

• Part 2: Delayed Response & Reaction (you’re here)

• Part 3: Moving On & Trying to Stay Friends

• Part 4: Closure

Last fall I went through my first “real” breakup.

I’ve had several breakups in the past, but this one was different. This one was the soul-crushing and gut-wrenching kind that they talk about in songs. It was truly devastating.

John and I met in law school. We spoke a few times in 1L, but we weren’t close or anything. The summer before 2L, we ran into each other and decided to meet up for an activity I’d been wanting to try. He’s really quiet and reserved - I legitimately wondered if I could keep a conversation going for the duration of the afternoon. To my surprise, he could carry a conversation. And he was surprisingly interesting and really smart. He loved his family, was a genuinely nice guy, and was objectively really good-looking. I was smitten. We started dating a few months later.

I had the best time dating John. We loved each other and, more importantly, had a fantastic friendship. We loved spending time together; we were probably spending 6 out of 7 nights of the week together during school. People were always telling me we made a great couple, and we really did. We wanted the same things, were equally ambitious, supportive of each other, and everything we did together was fun.

And it still didn’t last.

Looking back on it now, there were some signs along the way that it would not work out. But I loved him so much, and I hoped we would just work through them. Naive, I know. I knew it was naive then too. I didn’t care.

John was Iranian and came from a very conservative family. He wasn’t even allowed to date. He loved his family though; he was always doing things for his mom like filling her car with gas. He was deeply caring and loyal to his family, but they didn’t show him the same courtesy. Long story short, his family was the primary reason for the breakup. They didn’t care that he was an adult pushing 30; they wanted to tell him who he could and couldn’t date. And that decision was driven by racism. But at the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that John didn't want to stand up to his family’s racism. That’s his choice, but he'd better never take a Juneteenth off ever again.

And what frustrates me is that John’s family is a significant source of stress for him. They take advantage of him. I broached that subject with him a month ago, and he was immediately snappy and guarded. I have never seen him like that - clearly a very touchy subject. But he’s finally seeing a therapist, so if that person is doing their job correctly, they’ll point out the same thing to him once they get to know him.

That’s another thing: John would avoid a hard conversation at any cost. He told his parents about us a few months into dating, after we had gotten into an accident together. They condemned the relationship right then, it sounds like. But we still dated for another year and a half. Looking back on it, I know he loved me and didn’t want to give up the relationship. But I wish he had been more upfront and straightforward about what his family thought.

That kind of makes it sound like most of our dating was largely based on him being scared to have a conversation, but there’s more to it. John and I had fantastic emotional intimacy, and we were so supportive of each other. He told me on more than one occasion that his self-confidence increased exponentially since we started dating. The more I got to know John, the more I realized how emotionally isolated he was. He would have exciting things happen, like winning an award, and he wouldn’t tell his family about it. I’d ask why, and he didn’t know.

Now, if this was happening to another woman, I would say, “It sounds like you’re doing a lot of emotional work for a man who is unavailable to you.” And yes, that is true. But we were kind of tit for tat because I have mental health problems (as all beautiful women do) and John dealt with a lot. Looking back on it now, I realize I knew the relationship wasn't going to work, but I didn’t want to confront it. Every month, there would be a couple of days where I would just become a deranged and anxious mess from PMS-ing (yes, I’ve heard all about PMDD). I would do stuff like pick a fight over stupid things and non-issues. I would always calm down and apologize shortly thereafter, but still, dealing with that behavior regularly must be exhausting on the receiving end. I told John as much several times, but he always responded that it was no trouble at all.

So yes, he avoided hard conversations. But so did I. That seems obvious now, but if I’m being honest, that only occurred to me a few weeks ago. We were both to blame in that regard. But the other thing is: we didn't want to break up. We were in love and had a great relationship together. I fantasized about a future together and the cute kids we would have.

Things eventually ended last fall. He told me that when he tried to talk to his family about me, they would say things like, “We can’t believe you’re still dating her”. Simultaneously, I was pressuring him to decide whether he would stand by the relationship and stand up to his parents.

John’s family won, and the relationship ended, but it wasn’t what either of us wanted. Losing someone I loved because of something external to the relationship was difficult - it didn’t seem fair. They had never met me as John’s girlfriend; they didn’t even know me. But the deeper underlying issue is that John wasn’t brave enough for the relationship to work.

And I deserve better than that.

The Breakup Diaries chronicles my first gut-wrenching heartbreak: the relationship, the ending, and everything I learned about myself on the other side. The four-part series is linked below

• Part 1: The Beginning & End (you’re here)

• Part 2: Delayed Response & Reaction

• Part 3: Moving On & Trying to Stay Friends

• Part 4: Closure

After a few days of speculation, People Magazine has confirmed that Margaret Qualley is divorcing Jack Antonoff, just shy of their third wedding anniversary.

The internet discourse seems to suggest that most people saw it coming. I didn't really know these two, to be honest. But after reading the People article about their divorce, I saw a number of red flags that existed before their marriage that could have signaled this relationship was never going to work out.

Let’s discuss.

1. The Age Gap

She is 31, and he is 42. They’re at different stages in their lives and careers; plus, what on earth do they have in common? Speaking from experience, you do not have much in common with a man at that age, even in your early 30s.

2. Tight Timeline

Apparently, the two met in 2021, engaged in 2022, and then married in New Jersey in August 2023. Why the rush? I say 2 years is at least how long you should date someone before committing to a lifetime together. If you don’t date long enough, you haven’t properly tested your compatibility and whether you can remain compatible as you both change and grow together.

3. The Aspect of Vulnerability in Their Engagement

Jack shared that he asked Margaret to marry him while the two were living in Paris. Neither of them is native to Paris. Moving to a new city is a huge change, and it’s incredibly isolating. I would argue it’s a terrible time to get engaged. Marriage is a huge decision, and the choice to enter into it should be made when you’re settled and in the right state of mind, at least.

4. Unmet Fantasies

Jack apparently knew he wanted to marry Margaret the minute he saw her, and fantasized about their life together. This kind of thing is passed off as romantic; it’s not. Don’t project what you want onto people you don’t know - they probably won’t be able to meet the unspoken expectation you’ve put on them. Get to know them first and then fantasize from a place of reality.

5. He Is Known to be a Shitty Partner

He left his girlfriend of 6 years, Lena Dunham, shortly after she underwent a hysterectomy. What.

6. Margaret is Way Out of His League

She’s the daughter of a celebrity, beautiful, and a rising star. I’m not suggesting that dating out of your league is inherently a bad thing. But the reality is that many men cannot handle having a woman who's way out of their league. It fucks with their ego and self-esteem. And just by taking one look at Jack, I don’t see much confidence or self-esteem in that man. So, my personal feeling, this was also a part of it.

Regardless of whether someone could have seen it coming or not, divorce is still hard, and I wish the two of them well.

There are already rumors swirling that Margaret is dating a co-star, but who knows.

Everyone knows a bisexual. And everyone knows a bisexual woman who has never done anything with a woman and never will. So why are we letting that person get away with stolen valor?

I’m not talking about a bisexual who hasn’t “gotten around to it” yet, and/or or is currently in a committed heterosexual relationship. I mean a very specific type of “bisexual”. We all know one. A white woman, upper middle class background, probably colors her hair vibrant colors. When she identifies herself as a bisexual, you can feel her waiting for something from you. You’re not sure what. She’s never dated a woman and never will. Maybe a kiss if she’s at the bar and drunk but that’s it.

“Yeah, I know the type.”

I thought you would.

Can we police the bisexual identity of these people? They are not fkn bisexual. I think they just want to feel apart of a marginalized community and being bisexual is the one that allows them access with no barrier of entry. They can still fully engage in their heterosexual lifestyle choices and reap all the benefits while also afforded the luxury of not having to deal with queer issues. They’re essentially cherry picking how marginalized they want to be and they do it just to feel something.

And they get so sensitive about being denied their “right” to claim bisexuality too. I saw a TikTok once about basically what I’m describing, fake bisexuals, and the comments were full of angry white women in heterosexual relationships. Meanwhile, legitimate bisexuals, of all kinds of dating histories, were in the comments relating to the video.

So I’m clearly not the first person to think this and there is obviously a growing consensus in the bisexual community.

Unfortunately, this is something that is hard to police because not everyone has a discerning eye and will correctly identify who’s a fake - we don’t want to burden actual bisexuals with annoying comments that seek to delegitimize their identity. But maybe we up the think pieces on Substack and TikTok so these people will hopefully go “oh shit is this me?” and then stop.

If you’ve been online enough, you’re probably familiar with the phrase “8 inches and thick”.

If you have no idea who I’m talking about, you’re probably interested anyway. But now you’re wondering, “Is this person a multi-millionaire? Are they loyal? Respectful? Loving?” Good news, diva, he’s all of those things!

If you’re unable to watch the video rn, here’s what happens. A content creator takes a bodybuilder down to a beach in South Padre Island, Texas during Spring Break. They approach two young women, and the following exchange ensues:

Host: Y’all like bodybuilders?

Women 1:Bodybuilders?

Woman 2: I like skinny scrawny guys.

Bodybuilder: How about multi-millionaires? How about 8 inches and thick? How about talented? How about loving and respectful? I lost my wife ago 10 weeks ago. 21 years faithful. My daughter committed suicide 3 weeks ago. 13. She was faster than me at 12. And I run a 6-minute mile. My testimony, I’m nothing but pure and I asked you if you want to be in a YouTube channel. And you like scrawny guys.

Woman 1: I didn’t know he’d trauma dump on us like that, damn.

So, obviously, what the bodybuilder said was completely unhinged. And the most important question: why are you at the beach trying to pick up young women when your daughter allegedly died 3 weeks ago?

The thing is, though, his daughter did not kill herself. She cut him off. And the way the guy “lost” his wife - she left him.

So who is this guy?

The guy in the video is Jarrett “Jay” Amador of Houston, Texas.

What do we know about him? That he’s probably not a multi-millionaire nor respectful. He claims to have recently served a 21-week stint in prison, not sure for what. He worked security, I guess, and received a summary suspension from the State of Texas (“Whatever that means” - Nene Leaks) from the profession. He was sued by Synchrony Bank in 2024 for unpaid debts totaling $11,933.03 and by Wells Fargo for $100,000 in monetary relief. And American Express. He also evaded service on a foreclosure in 2023.

In an interview addressing the beach incident, Jarrett said he was on an illicit substance that day, thus causing his behavior. That could have flown if he had behaved differently and shown remorse, but he has not. In fact, he does not seem to have any shame about the interview. He sexually harassed two young women and then lied about his daughter killing herself. Yet he has since made “8-inches and thick” his brand; his Instagram username is @actually8inches.

I don’t know why his wife left him, but I’m on her side because this guy is a walking red-flag pile.

One, I’m immediately suspicious of any man who drove away his wife and child. I have seen women go to great and stupid lengths to keep their family together with a toxic man, so she really had to be done to let him go. Because, like he said, 21 years. And if he acts like that in public, then how the heck is he behaving behind closed doors?

Two, why TF would you say your teenage daughter killed herself???

Three, he shared that he does not have a relationship with his 13-year-old daughter. A man who is disowned by his children is a bottom-tier LOOOOOSER. Dads have an incredibly low bar to clear to be considered excellent fathers, and this POS still couldn’t clear it. Too many men have no qualms about letting it be known that their kids don’t FW them, like that is at all normal. But anyone with sense knows that that’s probably one of the most reliable signs that you are dealing with an absolute loser of a man.

Oh, btw, here is the aftermath of the original interview with Mr. Jarrett Amador, which is also super cringy. And if you want to see if he is actually 8 inches and thick, according to someone on this online forum, he will send you a dick pic for $1,000. Although we have this image below that was supplied, so if you’re on a budget…

I don’t really care for this loser, but I want to know who the two women were. They handled it well, and I feel so bad that they had to deal with such a weirdo when they were just trying to have fun.

I can’t lie, I love Boy Moms™. I think the psychology and sociology behind why they’re like that is fascinating.

Anyway, here’s one of the flock: Anna Saccone. She is a stay-at-home mom of four from Baltimore, but she may now live in the UK; I don't know. And I could deep deeper I suppose but I’m not a journalist, I’m high, and I kinda just don’t give a shit. And you’re probably the same.

Anyway.

Anna made a TikTok a couple of years back that is sort of a classic in the Boy Mom scene. I will provide the transcript and the video below:

I never thought that I would be that toxic boy mom. I love my four kids equally, but that last little boy just hits different. And now I feel like I’m having this existential crisis. Or I wouldn’t be that mom, that toxic boy mom. He hits his sisters, he punches them. I’m like, maybe he’s having a hard day. So when I think about my daughters getting married, I get excited, right? Think about their dresses, planning their weddings. When I think about my son’s wedding, I want to cry. Boy moms, we’ve got to step up. We’ve got to realize that we are the problem.

@annasacconeI swore I’d never become that mum…and yet here we are 🥴🙈 #boymom #momof4 #toxicmom #annasaccone #sacconejolys #4kidsmama #momsoftiktok

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Let’s break this down.

“I love my four kids equally, but that last little boy just hits different.” Bitch, no way you watched that back after recording and deadass thought “Yup, nothing contradicts anything here”.

“He hits his sisters, he punches them. I’m like, maybe he’s having a hard day.” Are you trying to raise a future domestic abuser, wtf??!! Also, again, cannot believe she did not watch the video back and think “Damn, that sounds messed up, maybe I should delete this and reflect on myself”.

“When I think about my son’s wedding, I want to cry.” This sentence immediately painted this woman very clearly to me. I’ll bet she has cripplingly low self-esteem, does not have a satisfying marriage, and is now looking to her son to give her the male attention that she needs to feel validated. And the idea of eventually losing that to another woman is what is making her cry.

And indeed, in looking through her profile, Anna shares videos chronicling eating disorders that she battled when she was younger. I am very sympathetic to people with low self-esteem. We’ve all been there at one point to some degree. But when the degree is extreme and is now causing your daughters to be assaulted in their home, it’s time to wake TF up and intervene with yourself and your parenting.

This is why you all have to go to therapy, journal, smoke some weed, and reflect inward. If you don’t, the behaviors that will grow out of whatever your thing is will be deeply hurtful to you and those around you.

This woman hasn’t dealt with her self-esteem issues. Now she’s emaciated - not skinny, and it’s important we distinguish for the sake of public health. On top of that, her daughters are being physically abused in their home by their brother. Plus, the several mommy issues her son is going to have and the effects it will have on the women he goes on to date. I think it is critically important to point out to people when a content creator is dealing with some kind of mental health issue. Too many people get brainrot from looking at these people, aspiring to be someone who is mentally ill. Look, she doesn’t have a public diagnosis that I’m aware of, and I’m not a therapist. But anyone who craves attention the way family vloggers do - and as Anna does - is not okay IMO. Prayers for her mental well-being; she needs to log off and talk to someone.

Also, in Googling her, she and her husband, Jonathan Joly, are apparently infamous for their questionable upbringing of their children. It seems like they have a toxic family vlogger situation going on. I also feel validated to find that I’m not the only one who gets CREEP vibes from Jonathan.

Also, I’m not saying that he had a hair transplant, but I am saying that it looks like he had a hair transplant in the photo below:

If this post reads harshly, that’s because I think it’s okay to be a little mean to anyone who prioritizes attention and money over their children’s privacy and well-being. The best way to correct bad behavior is to create an unwanted reaction. This Anna lady is probably going to end up with a fractured parent-child relationship. And I also just don’t trust the parenting of anyone who prioritizes social media over their children. And sure enough, we have this woman, ON CAMERA, admitting that she’s dismissive of her son’s violence against his sisters. That is crazy.

Anyway.

Live, laugh, love, go to therapy,

-J

Lately, I’m having a lot of moments where I’m like “oh, this is what that is”, emotionally.

Like the fear of being perceived. I knew the phrase, but I sort of thought it was just a general fear of being judged. But, no, it’s more than that. It can also be a fear of putting yourself out there. I stumbled upon a TikTok where the creator talked about people being scared to post videos of themselves, and the accompanying comment section identified it as “fear of being perceived”. I then looked up further, and I was like, “Oh, hey, I have that”.

Sidenote: I have combed TT to find that video, but alas, cannot.

I’ve always loved creating things and taking pictures of things. And I love social media. I don’t know how other people perceive it, but to me, it’s like a hangout with 900 friends and me. I keep a private Instagram and only let people I know follow me. It’s crazy to think that I know almost 1,000 people. I also have 135-ish more in my requests. A lot of them are people I kind of knew, but for some reason, I just don’t want them looking at my life. Is that weird? Not that I have a super high bar of entry to my IG. One conversation with me was enough to grant you entry. Two conversations = close friends circle. But, still, I just don’t like the idea of so many eyes on my life. I don’t know why.

The thing is, though, when I am perceived, I am perceived super positively. So, my other “oh, that’s what that is” moment is that I have impostor syndrome. I thought that was just for when people felt like they maybe hadn’t earned the right to be in the job/school/space they were in, etc. I’ve never thought I didn’t belong because I know I work hard for what I have. But I cannot internalize compliments well. Apparently, that’s also a part of impostor syndrome.

For example, I get told I’m super smart and hilarious all the time. I think I’m funny-ish, and I know I’m smart in the sense that I can name every country (or most of them, I get the Guineas confused) and have common sense. But why shouldn’t I think I’m super smart? I have a gotdamn law degree. I was always a top player on trivia teams, often carrying the whole team (RIP Subpoena Coladas). And every essay I wrote in law school - and I wrote a lot - would always get like 85+ (that’s fantastic for law school - we averaged to a 75%). I even had the highest mark for the 1L Constitution essay exam.

But I think I discount my smartness because I’m not good at math or science. So, even though I do a great job of explaining complex legal and social topics in essays, I still don’t consider myself super smart. I also want to add that I’m also super smart at strategy, problem-solving, and interpersonal skills; I won my law school’s mediation competition every year. Negotiation and persuasion are some of the most difficult human skills to master. People pay thousands to attend seminars to learn how to do it, and I’ve largely come by it naturally (though I’d definitely give Getting to Yes and How to Win Friends and Influence People credit). And I am objectively great at it - the awards are sitting on the shelf behind me. So why wouldn’t I believe I’m smart?! Like, I believe, but I don’t really believe.

I’m a pretty regular cannabis user (I grew up Catholic, so that is not something I ever thought I would say lmaooo), but it has really allowed me to open my eyes to my behaviours, feelings, and actions in a genuinely real and meaningful way. Stoners are not a respected people, but they (well, we now, I guess) were right about how weed helps you discover yourself. I feel like a lot of stuff has been coming to the surface, and I’m much more in tune with what drives me and my behaviour.

I never want to be the person who has glaring flaws that I don’t work on. My mother is that way, and let me tell you, it’s fucking exhausting. It’s also a great motivator to start unpacking trauma and working towards genuine inner peace because I never want to be her. And the best way to make sure that happens is by taking all the same advice that I would give her: reflect on your actions, go to therapy, be absolutely honest with yourself about your shortcomings, accept you have shortcomings, and then actually commit to working on them, acknowledge and apologize when you’re wrong, etc.

I feel like Pink has always been held up as a hero to women, and I never really agreed with that. Back in 2006, I remember watching the music video for “Stupid Girls” as a 13-year-old and thinking, “This is kind of mean.”

Recently, while on Facebook, I noticed a Buzzfeed article titled “Pink Built Her Entire Career On Tearing Down Other Women” and thought, “Yes, finally someone who agrees with me”. The article got more into instances where Pink made unkind remarks and took some really low blows. I’m talking about as low as making fun of Britney Spears’ mental health issues, and publicly calling her a “puppet on a string” - a week after sending her flowers, mind you. #TwoFaced

But I actually just want to focus on “Stupid Girls” because I’ve had all this on my chest since I was 13.

First and foremost, give it a watch if you haven’t seen the music video already:

But, anyway, here are my thoughts on the music video and the lyrics:

1. The title of the song. First and foremost, the “stupid girl(s)’ the song is about and portrayed as in the video is any woman who is tan, pretty, has friends, has a small dog, wears a small t-shirt, has sex, and/or a host of other traits. Basically, the archetype of the early 2000s Hot Girl: Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, etc. This always made me mad because WTF does what you wear or the size of your dog have to do with intellect?? But I guess if you don’t possess it, you wouldn’t have the capacity to recognize who has it.

2. The bowling alley scene. If you didn’t see the video, here’s the scene: some woman is bowling, unaware and uninterested in Pink and her boyfriend. But her breasts are visible, so I guess that makes her the villain. And even though the boyfriend is openly staring at this woman’s breasts, Pink does not get mad at him. Instead, she’s mad at the woman and then pulls a secret tag to enlarge her own breasts to redirect the boyfriend’s focus back onto her. Like…what? Why are you dating a guy who is so predictably and openly a pervert that you leave the house with a Plan B in place, just in case a woman with bigger breasts walks by?? Also, why does he not seem fazed by your boobs just suddenly being massive??

3. “What happened to the dream of the girl president? She’s dancing in the video next to 50 Cent”. Is she the one and only woman we can run for president? Why is she disqualified for dancing in a music video? I’ll be sensitive to the era this video was released in, and it’s understood as a low bar for US presidents at the time, so I won’t mention that the current US president is a child molester. But, even in 2006, the most recent presidents were George W. Bush (committed war crimes) and Bill Clinton (cheated on his wife in office with a 22-year-old intern). But a woman being the president is unlikely because she dances next to 50 Cent? Y’all, I’m tired.

4. This is THEE “I’m Not Like Other Girls” Anthem. Affirmed by the fact that all the positive portrayals of women are when Pink is doing something typically associated with a man: running for president, playing football. And then re-affirmed by the little girl picking up a football in the end, instead of a doll, and getting a thumbs up from the “good” angel on her shoulder.

5. Taking her top off on the treadmill because a gym worker talked to another girl. Like, I guess she’s trying to say that the guy is only talking to the girl because she’s pretty. But, like, the guy came over with fucking paperwork. This is clearly a procedural matter of some kind, and you’re angrily whipping your top off in a fit to try to “compete” with this woman. Like… that’s actually unhinged.

6. Mocking Paris Hilton about her sex tape. Love Paris Hilton or not, but having a private and intimate video of you, released without your consent fucking sucks. That would be an incredibly low moment in anyone’s life, and now here goes Pink mocking you and calling you a “stupid girl”.

The narrative that a woman is less than for being feminine is not feminism, yet that is exactly the narrative being pushed here. This was not a new narrative at the time, of course, but it was still gross to see it from a woman. A woman should not have to conform to bigger things and/or male-dominated things to be worthy of respect. She is worthy of respect just for existing, and that entitlement to respect is not diminished because of how her hair looks or because she likes Chihuahuas.

The woman most worthy of respect actually was the woman in the music video who casually runs pedestrians over, then immediately fixes her lip gloss. The streets are too congested, and I appreciate anyone who’s shortening my commute. Especially if they look good doing it.

TW: eating disorders

Celebrities are getting way too fucking skinny, and I am tired of them getting defensive about it.

“Don’t talk about women’s bodies” is meant for healthy people and private figures. Public figures who are exhibiting mental disorders = not the same fucking thing.

There needs to be a very clear social distinction that yes, there are authentically skinny people and that skinny presents in different ways. But there are also people who have EATING DISORDERS. They are not skinny, they are emaciated. That is a critically important distinction, and this distinction needs to be noted in the public discourse surrounding celebrities and bodies.

Skinny people are not oppressed. But the one little argument we actually could stand on is that some people are naturally quite skinny yet face accusations of having an eating disorder when they’re actually healthy. That idea got traction in the feminist discourse of body positivity and, as a result, it became taboo to talk about anyone’s skinniness, regardless of how they got there. The “mind your business” attitude that was meant to protect women of all sizes from having to justify their natural bodies got co-opted by people to shield themselves from valid criticism.

“Skinny by nature” and “skinny by force of eating disorder” are two completely different ball games. Skinny by nature should be left alone. Skinny by eating disorder needs to be addressed - not just as a risk to the person but also as a risk to the public. Let’s not forget that people die from anorexia, like Karen Carpenter. It is genuinely serious that emaciated thin is back, and it needs a social intervention.

Every celebrity is on Ozempic or a counterpart by a different name. Some have managed to get to a healthy place and stay there, others are taking it too damn far. We are seeing celebrities get to sickenly thin places, but this taboo on “commenting on women’s bodies” seems to keep shushing people on the topic. People of all sizes are speaking up about the alarming trend of celebrity thiness: Kelly Osbourn, Ariana Grande, Meghan Trainor, etc. And they keep getting shut down by people, and the celebrities themselves, saying, “don’t comment on women’s bodies”. As a feminist, I say that it is entirely okay to call out something that gets dangerous. The effects of malnourishment are severe and severely compromise physical and cognitive function. And again: people can die from it. It’s dangerous for the celebrity, and it’s dangerous to the public for emaciation to be normalized.

Like it or not, but celebrities drive culture. Whatever is popular among them becomes popular across the Western world and media. If being emaciated becomes the norm, it’s going to cause a ripple effect where everyday people resort to unhealthy habits to make themselves thin. It also contributes to a dangerous threshold of a beauty standard, and many people already struggle with self-esteem as it is. We’ve been here already with the toxic beauty standards of the early 2000s, and we saw the prominence of eating disorders rise with it.

Kelly Osbourn appeared in public looking emaciated. People spoke up to express concern, and they were promptly attacked by her. But Kelly, sweetie, the way you look is unacceptable. While losing your father is hard, it does not absolve the plain fact that you are unhealthy.

Ariana Grande is another one. She is way too thin, and as one of the most followed people on Instagram and a constant fixture in celebrity news, it sends a disturbing message that being emaciated is okay. That is not her natural, healthy body; she’s been in the public eye for a long time, so we know what she’s supposed to look like.

Meghan Trainor is another one. She has lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time. Obviously, more aggravating in her case, given that her rise to fame was based on a song about body positivity and accepting herself as a “bigger” girl. She’s also a figure that’s very prevalent on TikTok, meaning she has a lot of eyes on her. Further damage is that she tells people her weight loss is from fitness. Please. Skinny from fitness looks very different from skinny by Ozempic.

Something else that I think nicely emphasizes my point is the photo I used for this post. I didn’t even have to post their bodies; just from their faces and collar bones, you can tell they are too thin. That’s how emaciated they are. But we’re assholes for saying something?

A society that stands to suffer harm from someone has a right to speak up. Constantly projecting an unhealthy image and promoting unrealistic body standards is dangerous. And the fact that people are weaponizing feminism to promote a sick and harmful standard of body image is fucked up. We have seen this before with the rise of EDs in the early 2000s, so we cannot plead ignorance here. We have to learn from history and call this shit out now.

If too much of one thing happens in a short amount of time, I get suspicious. In just a matter of weeks, this past spring, we suddenly had four black celebrities come out as Trump supporters. Nobody on this list is known for being political, yet suddenly they’re all on podcasts, coming out as Trump supporters. Doesn’t that seem suspicious?

Nicki Minaj for Israel and Trump

Nicki publicly expressed support for Trump, which surprised people, but not me. She is married to a registered sex offender. Before she was famous, she could never hold down a job because she was so mean. Obviously, she is not phased by being awful herself or being among awful people. Also, as a woman born in Trinidad and raised in the United States, what is her rationale for her staunch support for Israel? 🤨

Chilli for Trump

Chilli, one of the singers from TLC, was revealed to have made multiple donations to Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential campaign. The singer, whose real name is Rozonda Thomas, made around $1,000 in donations to several Trump and right-wing causes. She made a donation of $210.60 to WinRed, the payment processor for Republican campaign donations; $340.60 to the Trump National Committee JFC; and $486.54 to Never Surrender Inc., a political fund-raising group with links to Trump.

Chilli has since responded in a video she posted to Instagram in which she claims she “made a mistake” and isn’t MAGA. You know how you accidentally make several donations totalling a thousand dollars - we’ve all been there.

Nick Cannon for Trump

Not that the public would expect much from Nick “No Good” Cannon, who has fathered 12 children by 6 different women. But anyway, he went on a podcast with Amber Rose where he said “I fuck with Trump” and then called the Democratic party the party of the KKK. The latter has been such an exhausted right-wing talking point that, in the USA Today article talking about Nick Cannon’s comments, the author took the time to go through the history of the Republican and Democratic parties lmao.

I also want to add that when I told my sister what Nick said, her immediate comment was, “I know Mariah’s embarrassed.”

Tristan Thompson for Trump

This man doesn’t need much of an introduction; we remember him for cheating on Khloe Kardashian when she was pregnant with his baby. I think he plays basketball too.

Anyway, he appeared on The Katie Miller Podcast, a podcast for “Republican women” to express his support for Trump. Katie is married to Stephen Miller, the White House deputy chief of staff for policy. Her podcast has a rating of 2.6/5, and one reviewer says, “Truly brain rot. It’s so scripted and non personal. She talks about topics the right loves to twist. Has on millionaires and billionaires every guest.”

Over the course of the interview, Tristan admitted to having a close friend in the Trump family (reportedly, Eric Trump), and praised the leadership of child sex trafficker, Donald Trump, saying, “I love what he’s done so far for our country”.

“Our” country? You’re from Brampton, Canada.

Also, Tristan has shown zero interest in politics, ever. During the interview, he just comes across like he’s coached and trying to remember to hit certain bullet points.

Given that we’re due for another presidential election in the next two years, I think we’re going to see some shifts that signal what’s going on behind closed doors in the Republican and Democratic parties. The former has an image issue among Black voters; that’s no secret. Instead of having their politicians refrain from saying racist things or enacting racist policies, I’d bet they’re going around to any “noteworthy” Black celebrity that’s probably in need of a cheque. Nicki Minaj hasn’t been on tour in years; Nick Cannon has child support payments to make and no job I can recall; Chilli hasn’t had a hit since “No Scrubs”; and Tristan is in a similar boat to Nick with child support.

A deal to make some money and meet the president goes far, I’ll bet.

People on the Internet love diagnosing people with autism.

I’m not talking about an autism professional who has taken their interest in public health online. I mean unqualified people with no education and/or training in autism diagnosis. Their understanding of autism is some romanticized idea of intellectualism, like Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. If they see you being organized, having a hobby, or knowing a lot about a topic, they swoop in to inform you that they see you have “a touch of the ‘tism”.

I see this alllllll the time in comment sections on TikTok and Instagram. But just because it’s common does not make it less okay. You’re allowed to suspect you or someone else might have something. But without an actual diagnosis from a qualified professional, maybe don’t build your identity around it. And if you think someone else has it but you don’t know them, don’t tell them unprompted.

My autistic friend put it this way: “Imagine someone else being autistic as if they were Black. If they are Black and you say ‘hey, you’re Black’, that is weird. They know, you don’t need to say it. If you say ‘You’re Black’, and they’re not, then that is also weird. So just don’t mention that they’re Black. And don’t mention if you think they’re autistic. If they are, who cares? If they’re not, you look like an asshole and an idiot.”

I can’t believe I have to even say this, but if you diagnose people on the Internet with autism: stop. One, you are almost definitely not qualified to identify autism. Two, the person has not solicited your medical opinion. Three, this is a TikTok, and not an appointment where the necessary conditions to gauge autism are in effect.

It’s also rude. Imagine just assigning someone a diagnosis every time something falls within the perimeter of your understanding of medical symptoms.

“I can’t read that sign.” Oh, you must be dyslexic.

“I’m feeling a bit tired today.” You have clinical depression.

“I took my ponytail down, and a bunch of hair fell out.” Definitely alopecia.

Do you see how weird that is? Do you see how disjointed that is? Do you register how inappropriate that is? Not everything is a sign of something, and you definitely aren’t going to be able to properly gauge a neurodevelopmental condition from a person you don’t know.

The diagnosis of strangers is abundant, but there is also a ton of self-diagnosed autism, too. I have seen “autistic (self-diagnosed)” in social media bios!! Someone I have been internet friends with for a long time has a public persona as being autistic, but admitted on her secret Twitter page that she has not actually been formally diagnosed. But she was “pretty sure”. She lives in a country with universal healthcare - it’s no cost to her to find out for sure.

That is crazy. What other medical condition can you just adopt simply to make yourself seem more interesting??

My own philosophy is that everyone wants an E! True Hollywood story. If you grew up struggling, you’ve already done your suffering and want no part of further. But people who grew up happy and comfortable are always looking to sneak a ride on the struggle bus. They want a riveting story of struggle, but don’t actually have one, so they invent one.

We see it all the time - Christians, white people, and men, claiming that they’re persecuted, are famous examples. We all have a rich friend who denies being rich because the Mercedes they park at their $3 million home is five years old. A friend who identifies as clinically depressed because they were sad after a breakup. And now autism has been added to the wheelhouse of “borrowable identities.”

It’s also offensive to people with actual autism and the people who love them to be so flippant about it.

Autism is not inherently this whimsical thing. People can have hobbies and interests simply because it’s normal. Falsely equating normal human behaviour with a medical diagnosis undermines the hardships that people with real autism face.

Also, what is going on in your own life that you see people knowing stuff or engaging in hobbies, and your automatic response is, “This must be something that has a medical diagnosis”? If that’s you, I’m here to let you know that people aren’t unique for having hobbies, interests, and/or extensive knowledge on a topic. You’re the odd and weird one for not having one.