Breakup Diaries Pt. 3: Moving On & Trying to Stay Friends
On staying friends with your ex, watching him date someone he doesn't like, and knowing when to finally let go.
After John and I broke up, we promised to be friends and stay in touch, as every couple before us has. Unlike most couples, we actually did.
I saw a blush set on TikTok I really wanted, but it was only available at Costco, and I didn’t have a membership. I sent it to him, and he bought it and refused to take my money. When we went out for dinner, he would always insist on paying. When my aunt got sued by her insurance company, he offered to help her at no cost.
Our friendship was fine until John got a new girlfriend, let’s call her “Jane”. As mentioned in the last post, it was fine at first. But eventually, the breakup began to hit, and that changed.
I became angry and resentful of Jane. I hated her. And I hated that I hated her. There is nothing I like less than feeling out of control of my emotions. This woman had done nothing wrong, and neither had John. But because the breakup had taken me so long to process, it felt like seeing John move on to a new relationship a week after breaking up.
I was aware that I had moved on first (and twice) since we broke up, but it didn’t matter. I could have sat around all day, rationalizing what I should be feeling. But that’s not how breakups work. It’s grief. And it’s hard to just accept that a situation has ended. Last June, John and I were walking along the waterfront, talking about marriage. A year later, we were over, he had a new girlfriend, and I was struggling to cope with how different things were.
I told my sister and friends about what I was going through, and they assured me it was all very normal. And I would look through Reddit, taking in other people’s experiences with heartbreak. So many people shared their stories of suffering through breakups. Including the deeply embarrassing and low points, like driving by someone’s house or charging stuff to their credit card. I didn't do anything like that, but it made me feel better knowing that any respectable woman was capable of losing her mind.
I realized I still loved John deeply. And honestly, a part of me hoped we would get back together. I hoped he would move out of his parents' home, experience independence, become his own person, and start standing up for what he wanted. But it was clear that it would be stupid of me to put any hope in that - I had to move on.
But moving on was hard; I missed him so fucking much, and I missed the life we had shared together. I missed how he’d make me coffee every morning, unprompted, and then switched to tea when I told him I was going through an anxious time. I miss how he adored my dog and would always pick her up and hold her like a baby. I miss that whenever something was wrong, he would come as soon as he possibly could. I miss how nice he was to my friends, and how he would buy them McDonald’s when it was late and they were hungry.
I really miss his eyes; they were always changing colors. Sometimes they were blue, sometimes grey, sometimes green. When I got my cat, there was a period where he and John had the same eye color. They also had the same hair color, so I loved to joke that John was indisputably his biological father.
There were thousands of little things that made it a great relationship. More significantly, John was the first man I loved, and I loved being in love.
But there were hard parts too.
A few things to know about John: he is deeply sensitive and feeling, and deeply emotionally repressed. I’ve told him so, and he says he doesn’t agree. When we first started dating, he refused to even consider going to therapy. And I know that tidbit conjures images of some idiot dude bro, but John wasn’t like that. He was quiet and, goodness, just the nicest guy. Everyone who knew him in law school liked him, and I loved how he loved to help people. He was a super liberal guy too, but still, toxic masculinity and stereotypes about therapy were present.
He hated hard things, and sometimes I thought of him as kind of an opossum when it came to having a difficult conversation that would force him to acknowledge his feelings or something contentious. He just played dead, figuratively. There was a point in the post-breakup process when his inability to address conflict directly made me extremely resentful - to the point that I just wanted to cut him off. I calmed down, though.
We continued to be friends and hang out. And he would tell me about his girlfriend. And over the next couple of months, a picture of this person began to form. And in forming that picture, I realized two things. One was that John still loved me. And two, he does not like his girlfriend.
Everything you have read thus far: this is all stuff I have told John. Except that I think he’s still in love with me. There was a point once where we were talking openly about the relationship and he kind of alluded to it, and I could even feel him maybe wanting me to ask. I didn’t. It doesn’t matter. And he had/has a girlfriend.
But, yeah, other than that, every step I went through and thought I’ve had during this breakup have been relayed to him. What I think about him (good and bad), Jane, what his issues are, how he disappointed and angered me, all of it. We have maintained a chaotic but open dialogue throughout this process. I enjoyed a very direct, open, and honest relationship with John when we were together, and that continued after the breakup. And John, who struggled with emotions and openness throughout our relationship, has been way more open with me now than he was then.
As for his girlfriend, Jane, well, it doesn’t seem like he likes her very much. The most telling sign: he never says anything nice about her. It’s either purely descriptive or negative. He confided in me that they’re having problems. I didn't ask why - I got the sense that he both wanted and didn’t want me to ask. I figure, as the ex, that’s not a boundary I should cross, so their relationship will stay between them (but make no mistake, my nosey ass is dying to know).
There was also an incident that occurred a month or two ago that left me feeling unsettled. We were walking down the street, talking about all sorts of things before getting to his new relationship. I asked if Jane had any interests or hobbies beyond her job. I learned she was an author and was selling her books on Amazon. I told John he should read her book, and then he started laughing. Like, hard. Lowkey, I was kinda horrified. This was this woman’s passion and something she had presumably spent a lot of time on. Yet here was her boyfriend, absolutely in stitches at the idea of supporting that work.
John is not incapable of supporting something, even if he isn’t necessarily interested in it himself. When I asked if he wanted to try riding, he came with me right away. When I wanted to see an artist I loved, he skipped his rec league volleyball game to come with me (he never skipped volleyball). I never had to convince him to show up for me or support me.
I should probably not be getting involved, but anyway, I took it upon myself to coach this man. I told John that it would be super romantic to order the book, read it, and then give it a five-star review. He said Jane didn't care that he hadn’t read it. I assured him she did and that her friends and family would judge him if he didn’t read it. I had to push to convince this man to buy his girlfriend’s book. He eventually did, though. I wonder if he read it.
The other thing was that Jane herself had red flags. Call me a jealous ex-girlfriend if you want; I've already admitted as much, but here’s an incident John told me about. It was Jane’s friend’s birthday. For that friend’s birthday dinner, Jane took her to a cheap chain restaurant for wings. Those in attendance: Jane, the friend, and John. Yes, for her friend’s birthday dinner, she took her to a shitty restaurant, and she brought her boyfriend of 4 months. You can post that story to any Reddit sub, and Jane will come out as the villain every time. She’s in her late 20s - she should absolutely know better.
She also wasn’t physically John’s type. He was always going on about how he loved tall women. One of the very first things he ever mentioned about Jane, unprompted, was that she was shorter than he liked.
When the breakup started to hit, I didn't tell John for a few weeks, but it was already affecting our relationship. It came to a head as our bar ceremony approached. At some point, a few weeks before, I was spiraling, and I sent him an email detailing where the relationship ultimately went wrong. I also mentioned at some point that I was mad that he was bringing his new girlfriend to our bar ceremony and how dare he not be considerate of me and my feelings at this momentous event.
Is it right to ask your ex not to bring their new girlfriend to their bar ceremony? I didn’t care, but my friend said no. Whatever. I was emotionally fragile and just could not deal with Jane meeting John’s family. I had technically met them myself, but it was before they knew we were dating, and it was a spontaneous meeting in the middle of exams - I looked like a rat. As for the bar ceremony, I did calm down, though, and told John to ignore me - I was being ridiculous, and to invite Jane. In the end, he didn’t.
Is it a good idea to stay friends with your ex? Generally, probably not. Staying friends post-breakup was chaotic and a rollercoaster of emotions. I expect that we will inevitably grow apart. And probably sooner rather than later. John has years of self-reflecting and therapy ahead of him before he becomes the person I would ever consider dating again. And I’m ready for the next thing. I don’t wanna say too much cause I don’t want nobody buying. But suffice to say: I have such exciting things planned for myself in the next 3 years.
I worry that in 3 years, John will still be living with his parents, dating the same girl he doesn’t love, and working a job he doesn’t like. But whatever, that is his choice, and it’s not my job to coach him to his full potential. This is a rare instance where Mel Robbins’ “let them” actually applies quite nicely.
The Breakup Diaries chronicles my first gut-wrenching heartbreak: the relationship, the ending, and everything I learned about myself on the other side. The four-part series is linked below.
Part 3: Moving On & Trying to Stay Friends (you’re here)