Breakup Diaries Pt. 4: Closure
On closure talks, hard truths, and realizing that watching someone repeat their patterns is its own kind of goodbye.
After my phone call to John. (the one where I told him to break up with his girlfriend) I knew I needed to do something to try to get TF over this breakup. Or at least to a place of mental and emotional stability. So I reached out to John and asked him if we could go for a walk and discuss the breakup in total and unadulterated honesty. He agreed right away.
I’ve seen a lot of people speak out against a “closure talk,” but I found ours to be extremely helpful and therapeutic. Something that I think helped is that our relationship post-breakup was never sexual. I knew people who were hooking up post-breakup and trying to have closure talks in between, and they’d say it wasn’t helpful. I think sex complicates it, and luckily we kept things simple in that regard.
During our closure talk, John and I sat and talked for a long time. I brought my journal with me, and I read him some of the stuff I wrote. I had written stuff that I thought captured how I was feeling and my perspectives of him, us, the relationship, and the breakup. Some of it was a little harsh, but to John’s credit, he sat and listened to it all. I asked him all kinds of questions too, and he answered.
An accidental great choice we made was the park where we went and had the talk. It was about 30 min to get to from the parking lot, which gave us time to chat and kind of “warm up” for the conversation ahead. It made getting into the conversation much easier. And then the walk back was a good way to decompress and sort of say a few last things. Something I said to John on the walk back to the car was something like: “I’ll never have to ruminate on something left unsaid. I’ve told you everything.”
I really, truly put everything on the table. I asked John how the breakup had been for him, and he shared a little bit about his own heartache and journey to healing. A little bit was huge for him. Throughout our entire relationship, John would never admit to having a bad day/or time. He was always “fine”, even when he clearly wasn’t. So, his admitting he was having a hard time was a pleasant surprise.
In the end, seeing how John was in his new relationship helped me to move on. Not because he was miserable. But because he was still doing the same thing. And that meant we weren’t going to have a chance together for real, because he still hadn't learned to take action or say something when he’s unhappy in a situation. If he can’t stand up to a woman he’s been in a rocky relationship with for 5 months, then he definitely was not going to be making progress with his family. But still, my heart aches for him being in a relationship he’s unhappy in.
He’s in what is supposed to be the honeymoon phase of his new relationship, but they’re already hanging on by a thread from what he tells me. And the thing is, we always said throughout our relationship that it felt like the honeymoon phase never ended. Even through the ups and downs, it still felt light, easy, fun, and effortless. He knows what a good relationship is like; he knows he doesn’t have it, and despite going through everything we went through, he’s choosing to repeat the same pattern.
This breakup cracked me wide open emotionally, and I saw all kinds of things within myself that were unhealed, unaddressed, harmful, etc. The post-breakup healing is still in effect, plus all my unaddressed childhood trauma. But at least I can now identify harmful behaviors, including staying in a relationship out of fear of being alone. But, then again, I’m not speaking from practical experience. I hope I know better and will do better. But I haven’t dated anyone since I went through my healing journey (hate that white-people-with-dreadlocks phrase, but that is what it is). Who knows if I actually have what it takes to implement what I have learned and realized. I hope so.
Maybe John is in the same place I was, and he’s also using a relationship as a distraction. I hope he realizes what’s going on and amends it. John is legitimately a good guy, and I worry about how his inability to stand up for himself will impact him in life. I’ve already seen it happen a few times, and it breaks my heart. But what can I do? I’ve told him what I think - it’s up to him to do the work.
But, to his credit, he is starting to do the work. He used to refuse to even consider therapy. Now he’s actually going. I told him he needed to be more independent and should do things like travel alone. He’s doing exactly that right now. It took him a while, but I guess, in the end, he was listening. He has a long road ahead of him still, and it’s going to be hard. But I hope he perseveres, reflects, grows, and becomes really and truly his own person. Not someone dictated by fear and family.
We had that talk maybe two, maybe three weeks ago now. Where do we stand? I don’t know. I feel like I’ve moved on. I’ve even lost my interest in keeping in touch. Maybe that will change, but it’s how I feel right now. I still feel a bit angry at him sometimes, and some disappointment as well. Granted, something happened today (or at the time of this writing), and I messaged him about it right away because he was the only person whom I could tell a story to without having to provide necessary background info. I miss our friendship. I think in many ways, losing the friendship was harder than losing him as a boyfriend.
I will always readily admit I love John. Not in a romantic sense, I love him generally. I really do love and adore him for who he is as a person. He’s flawed, but he’s a product of his circumstances, and change is hard. And even though flawed, he’s still better than 99% of men. He wasn’t a perfect boyfriend, but he was a great boyfriend, and he especially went above and beyond when it mattered the most. He was there for me in incredibly low moments and continued to love me through them. I’ll always be grateful to him for that.
The Breakup Diaries chronicles my first gut-wrenching heartbreak: the relationship, the ending, and everything I learned about myself on the other side. The four-part series is linked below.
Part 4: Closure (you’re here)