Make No Mistake: Men Will Marry Women They Hate
A front-row seat to my father's second marriage, and the woman who gave up everything for a man who never planned to stay.
Men who hate their wives are not a new phenomenon. The funniest joke to Boomers is that being married sucks and that all wives are a bitch. The modern version is watching women on TikTok describe blatant mistreatment from their husbands and then expecting you to laugh at it, seemingly unaware that their husbands do not like them.
“Well, why would a man be with a woman he doesn’t like?” Low self-esteem. And most men have low self-esteem. My father included. So I got to watch a relationship between a man and a woman progress into marriage, even though the man hated his wife’s fuckin’ guts.
The woman is not my mother; she was the woman after her. My father’s second marriage. Let’s call her “Lilly”.
Lilly and my dad met on Plenty of Fish. At the time, my dad was still married to my mom. Don’t worry, it’s not as sad as it sounds; she was cheating on him too. The difference with Lilly, though, was that eventually, my dad decided to leave my mom. Still not sad, though; they had a terrible marriage.
When Lilly and my dad started dating, he told her he was divorced. He was not. My sister and I told him that he needed to be upfront and honest about it. He didn't; he just kept complaining about it. Eventually, he was forced to confront it when a friend of Lilly’s googled him and discovered photos of him and my mom online, posted less than a year prior. Apparently, Lilly was so distraught, she had to leave work immediately.
Despite the secrecy and glaring red flag that had just presented itself, the relationship continued. My parents separated; I went with my mom, and my sister went with my dad. Most of the story of what proceeded came from my sister.
Eventually, my dad and Lilly decided to move to Madrid. Lilly did all the extensive paperwork to get them their visas: a work visa for my father and a tourist visa for her. My sister told me that our dad had tried to fill out the forms himself but couldn’t because he found them too frustrating, so he gave up. It was Lilly who salvaged the effort and pushed it through.
In the process, my dad, clearly in the midst of a midlife crisis, decided to sell off most of his things and live simply. Lilly decided to join him and sell off most of her things too. She loved designer shopping and had amassed quite a collection of clothing and accessories, aided by the fact that she had no children to waste money on. She gave away most of her clothing to charity. She sold what she could on Facebook Marketplace or Poshmark for a fraction of its value, including Louboutins and various designer handbags. She gave a few things to my sister and me. My sister got a Louis Vuitton Speedy, and I got a new-with-tags Chanel lambskin flap (I was her favorite because I met her first).
An important detail I forgot to add: when Lilly and my dad left, it was on the understanding that my dad would not want to ever get married again. They had been dating for less than a year when they left. Lilly quit her job and would wait at a cafe near where my dad worked all day. Her family, understandably upset by her decisions to quit her job and pursue a relationship with my father full time, cut her off. Her friends were doubtful. I think her roommate even asked her to move out, but don’t quote me on that. This life that Lilly had built for herself was swiftly dispensed with upon meeting my father.
My father, no doubt, was making grand promises to Lilly. She would tell us as much. But when it was just my dad and me, he would talk about his relationship with Lilly as if it was easily disposable. If she wanted more than he was willing to give, he had no problem leaving; he would tell me. I always saw that as barking, not biting. Because he was incredibly emotionally dependent on Lilly. He even brought her to the delivery room shortly after my sister gave birth because he didn't have the cajones to face my mom by himself.
Lilly, without a doubt, had cripplingly low self-esteem. It was obvious in the way she prioritized my father and threw away her life to wait around on him. She told us often that she had been overweight in her youth, and it was clearly an insecurity that she never got over, even as a size 6/8 adult. Her entire self-worth and identity were tied to my dad, even though he did not see a future with them. My sister also told me that an issue was flagged in the immigration process for Lilly’s application. Even though she had done all the paperwork, my father’s apparent and immediate reaction was to say that that was “too bad” and that it was “on” Lilly to get to Spain.
Once in Spain, Lilly was incredibly lonely. My dad worked all day and pursued a social life. Lilly was unable to work and did not speak the language. I have to imagine she went through a severe depression. My dad was of the opinion that she should make her own way in Spain and that he was not responsible for her happiness. The only concession he made was to travel. They both liked traveling.
But my father might be a narcissist, so he will twist anything to get what is ultimately his want. He told my sister he could not go to her wedding because he “had” to take Lilly to Germany for her birthday - to make it up to her for being so depressed in Spain. He could not wrap his head around why my sister found that upsetting.
Eventually, my sister and I lost touch with our dad. My sister lost touch first. I guess I’m still technically in touch with my dad, but it’s very sparse. I did get the conclusion of his life with Lilly. Eventually, fed up with the isolation of Spain and disrespect of my father, she finally left him and moved to Calgary. She and my father co-own an apartment in Spain together. He is scared to ask her for a divorce in case it causes him to somehow lose it.
He has since met another woman. As with Lilly before her, he also did not tell her he was married until I told him he had to. And thus the cycle continues.
My mother still harbors deep resentment for Lilly. I told her she will have reached true inner peace when she learns that Lilly was the best thing that ever happened to her. My dad did not want the same things as her, and my parents were miserable together. I feel awful for Lilly. She lost so much of herself in that relationship, and for what? If anything, her relationship with my dad is a cautionary tale as to why you have to be so secure in yourself to date successfully. Do not settle, especially if the man is obviously a loser who is indifferent to you.