The Journey to Self-Awareness

Thanks to a combination of weed and TikToks comment sections, I'm genuinely becoming more self-aware.

Lately, I’m having a lot of moments where I’m like “oh, this is what that is”, emotionally.

Like the fear of being perceived. I knew the phrase, but I sort of thought it was just a general fear of being judged. But, no, it’s more than that. It can also be a fear of putting yourself out there. I stumbled upon a TikTok where the creator talked about people being scared to post videos of themselves, and the accompanying comment section identified it as “fear of being perceived”. I then looked up further, and I was like, “Oh, hey, I have that”.

Sidenote: I have combed TT to find that video, but alas, cannot.

I’ve always loved creating things and taking pictures of things. And I love social media. I don’t know how other people perceive it, but to me, it’s like a hangout with 900 friends and me. I keep a private Instagram and only let people I know follow me. It’s crazy to think that I know almost 1,000 people. I also have 135-ish more in my requests. A lot of them are people I kind of knew, but for some reason, I just don’t want them looking at my life. Is that weird? Not that I have a super high bar of entry to my IG. One conversation with me was enough to grant you entry. Two conversations = close friends circle. But, still, I just don’t like the idea of so many eyes on my life. I don’t know why.

The thing is, though, when I am perceived, I am perceived super positively. So, my other “oh, that’s what that is” moment is that I have impostor syndrome. I thought that was just for when people felt like they maybe hadn’t earned the right to be in the job/school/space they were in, etc. I’ve never thought I didn’t belong because I know I work hard for what I have. But I cannot internalize compliments well. Apparently, that’s also a part of impostor syndrome.

For example, I get told I’m super smart and hilarious all the time. I think I’m funny-ish, and I know I’m smart in the sense that I can name every country (or most of them, I get the Guineas confused) and have common sense. But why shouldn’t I think I’m super smart? I have a gotdamn law degree. I was always a top player on trivia teams, often carrying the whole team (RIP Subpoena Coladas). And every essay I wrote in law school - and I wrote a lot - would always get like 85+ (that’s fantastic for law school - we averaged to a 75%). I even had the highest mark for the 1L Constitution essay exam.

But I think I discount my smartness because I’m not good at math or science. So, even though I do a great job of explaining complex legal and social topics in essays, I still don’t consider myself super smart. I also want to add that I’m also super smart at strategy, problem-solving, and interpersonal skills; I won my law school’s mediation competition every year. Negotiation and persuasion are some of the most difficult human skills to master. People pay thousands to attend seminars to learn how to do it, and I’ve largely come by it naturally (though I’d definitely give Getting to Yes and How to Win Friends and Influence People credit). And I am objectively great at it - the awards are sitting on the shelf behind me. So why wouldn’t I believe I’m smart?! Like, I believe, but I don’t really believe.

I’m a pretty regular cannabis user (I grew up Catholic, so that is not something I ever thought I would say lmaooo), but it has really allowed me to open my eyes to my behaviours, feelings, and actions in a genuinely real and meaningful way. Stoners are not a respected people, but they (well, we now, I guess) were right about how weed helps you discover yourself. I feel like a lot of stuff has been coming to the surface, and I’m much more in tune with what drives me and my behaviour.

I never want to be the person who has glaring flaws that I don’t work on. My mother is that way, and let me tell you, it’s fucking exhausting. It’s also a great motivator to start unpacking trauma and working towards genuine inner peace because I never want to be her. And the best way to make sure that happens is by taking all the same advice that I would give her: reflect on your actions, go to therapy, be absolutely honest with yourself about your shortcomings, accept you have shortcomings, and then actually commit to working on them, acknowledge and apologize when you’re wrong, etc.