The Tragedy of When the Breakup is Something Neither of You Wanted
Although, at the end of the day, you only want a man who is going to fight for you.
Last September, my boyfriend of 2 years, John, and I broke up.
There was no fighting, loss of trust, or infidelity. In fact, leading up to the day we broke up, we always said it felt like the honeymoon phase of the relationship never ended. I don’t even think we’ve fallen out of love, almost a year later, unfortunately.
Yet we remain apart.
Depending on the person, I have three levels of explanation for why we broke up.
Level 1 - Strangers: we wanted different things
Level 2 - Friends and Family: my ex’s family wanted him to date someone of his own culture
Level 3 - The Closest of Friends and Family: my ex’s family was fucking racist and didn’t want him to be with a Black woman
The realest reason, of course, is that John ultimately decided that he would rather be comfortable and not challenge his family on racism than stand up for our relationship. And that is the reason we have also not gotten back together. I’m sure he loves me, but at the end of the day, he prioritized his comfort over me, our relationship, and racism. And then stayed that way.
Even though I know the breakup technically still comes down on John, I also harbored anger towards his family for some time. I resented them for being the obstacle he couldn’t clear and for their role in the demise of the relationship. I also resented them for choosing to enforce their own bias and racism against their son instead of letting him be happy.
Earlier in the grieving stages, I felt like I was robbed of not just a romantic partner but also my best friend, and potentially my husband and father of my children. A much more monumental loss when I started seeing it that way, but necessary to acknowledge for the healing journey.
The breakup was difficult, and it’s still ongoing, albeit heavily subsided. The worst of it is over (I feel, hope, and pray). That being said, I still have days here and there where I miss the heck outta John and just wish we could be together again. And there have been times post-breakup when John would do something that reminded me why I loved him, and then I felt sad all over again.
It’s a process, but we enjoy a sunny day more after rainfall.