Breakup Diaries Pt. 2: Delayed Response & Reaction
Eight months of denial, two rebound relationships, and the moment the grief finally caught up with me.
When John and I broke up, I was sad that night and cried.
But then I kinda felt fine. A small part of me worried I was emotionally broken. But I reasoned that in the last few months of the relationship, I kinda knew it was ending, so I must have grieved then. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was actually a devastating breakup, and I was in an 8-month denial period.
But, looking back, there were signs I was not okay. I dated two guys back-to-back. Both became serious and intense quickly, then ended abruptly. And I prioritized those relationships in ways I shouldn’t have, and I have heaps of regrets about both.
John and I stayed friends and had dinner together semi-regularly. I shared all my life updates with him, including the guys I was dating, and he said he was happy for me. He eventually worked up the courage to join a dating app, met a few women, and began dating one of them. And I was genuinely happy for him.
After ending the second relationship post-John, I realized I was not in a place to date. I had begun smoking a ton of weed, and it was helping me to really see my issues plainly for what they were. Among those: I was male-centered, and going through a period of depression and low self-esteem. I was also realizing that the two relationships, and how I behaved in them, were probably symptoms of the breakup.
I decided to quit dating and focus on myself. Clearly, I had issues to work on, and it wasn’t serving me well to date without fixing them. Without a man distracting me, I was now free to focus on my feelings. And so the cracks began to form.
I don’t remember exactly what triggered the meltdown. Maybe a combination of things. John and I had gone for dinner, and it was just…different. He seemed like a different person. Stand-offish, quiet, reserved. I left thinking, “This is the last time I will ever see him again.” When I got home, I decided to look at his girlfriend’s social media. She was starting to soft-launch him. There was a calm before the storm; the next day, I felt great, confident, and ready to move on. I completely fell apart the next day.
After months of suppressed feelings, the breakup finally hit, and it hit hard. I guess it was the realization that John was someone else’s now. We had always talked about what would happen when one of us got into a serious relationship. We agreed that the friendship would eventually have to end when one of us got serious, as a courtesy to our partner. When John and I broke up, staying friends made it easier. But now I realized I would actually lose John, for real.
And it was hard, really hard. I cried hard. I cried all the time. There were two or three nights when I was so distraught that I did not sleep at all - I just stayed up on my phone until I had to go to work. There were days where I couldn’t get out of bed. At my lowest, I think I went 5 days without showering. I was so depressed, and the sadness was so heavy, and it seemed like it would never end.
And then the crazy started to hit. I called John and told him to break up with his girlfriend or else. I came to my senses an hour later and called to apologize, but Christ. I will never forget how completely out of control I felt. When I called John back, I ended up telling him what I was going through and just sobbed. The next day was another hard one. John messaged me to check in, then sent me breakfast.
My feelings were bizarre, heavy, and all over the place. But I had decided early on that I would trust and fully lean into breakup advice, and that included feeling my feelings. When I felt awful, I would just sit with it, sit outside, or go for a short walk. There were two or three times when it was more than I could bear, so I turned to weed. But for the most part, I just embraced my feelings.
I also journaled vigorously. I have almost used up an entire journal in the processing of this breakup. That was also immensely helpful. Not only was it nice to just vent, but I could vent without a response. The thing I wanted most during the breakup was just to talk it through and vent. But people were always trying to offer advice and/or consolation - I hated that.
Eventually, I started to heal. I would force myself to acknowledge my feelings. That was never difficult until I had to sit and admit that I was extremely jealous of John’s new girlfriend. She was culturally acceptable to John’s family. I envied that she had him, that she had a future with him, and that John’s family accepted her. There was a week where I would wake up every morning in an anxiety attack, thinking about John and his new girlfriend. I hated that I thought about them. I didn't want to care, and it didn’t make sense to care - John and I don’t have a future together. Why do I care that he’s dating? But I did, and deeply.
But then that subsided too. I began to feel better. The sadness became limited to the mornings for a week or two, and would disappear after I had breakfast. I would still cry every now and then, but it became less frequent. I would see things online that John would have loved and just scroll right past them.
I began to think of him less. I began to think about dating more. I felt my interest in my hobbies return. I began to feel more at peace. I still have hard moments. And I have no idea what to expect; maybe hard feelings will return again. I’m very prone to strong emotions when my period is on the way. But I think (and pray) that the worst is behind me.
The Breakup Diaries chronicles my first gut-wrenching heartbreak: the relationship, the ending, and everything I learned about myself on the other side. The four-part series is linked below.
Part 2: Delayed Response & Reaction (you’re here)