Breakup Diaries Pt. 1: The Beginning & End
What happens when a great relationship isn't enough — and the person you love isn't brave enough to fight for it?
Last fall I went through my first “real” breakup.
I’ve had several breakups in the past, but this one was different. This one was the soul-crushing and gut-wrenching kind that they talk about in songs. It was truly devastating.
John and I met in law school. We spoke a few times in 1L, but we weren’t close or anything. The summer before 2L, we ran into each other and decided to meet up for an activity I’d been wanting to try. He’s really quiet and reserved - I legitimately wondered if I could keep a conversation going for the duration of the afternoon. To my surprise, he could carry a conversation. And he was surprisingly interesting and really smart. He loved his family, was a genuinely nice guy, and was objectively really good-looking. I was smitten. We started dating a few months later.
I had the best time dating John. We loved each other and, more importantly, had a fantastic friendship. We loved spending time together; we were probably spending 6 out of 7 nights of the week together during school. People were always telling me we made a great couple, and we really did. We wanted the same things, were equally ambitious, supportive of each other, and everything we did together was fun.
And it still didn’t last.
Looking back on it now, there were some signs along the way that it would not work out. But I loved him so much, and I hoped we would just work through them. Naive, I know. I knew it was naive then too. I didn’t care.
John was Iranian and came from a very conservative family. He wasn’t even allowed to date. He loved his family though; he was always doing things for his mom like filling her car with gas. He was deeply caring and loyal to his family, but they didn’t show him the same courtesy. Long story short, his family was the primary reason for the breakup. They didn’t care that he was an adult pushing 30; they wanted to tell him who he could and couldn’t date. And that decision was driven by racism. But at the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that John didn't want to stand up to his family’s racism. That’s his choice, but he'd better never take a Juneteenth off ever again.
And what frustrates me is that John’s family is a significant source of stress for him. They take advantage of him. I broached that subject with him a month ago, and he was immediately snappy and guarded. I have never seen him like that - clearly a very touchy subject. But he’s finally seeing a therapist, so if that person is doing their job correctly, they’ll point out the same thing to him once they get to know him.
That’s another thing: John would avoid a hard conversation at any cost. He told his parents about us a few months into dating, after we had gotten into an accident together. They condemned the relationship right then, it sounds like. But we still dated for another year and a half. Looking back on it, I know he loved me and didn’t want to give up the relationship. But I wish he had been more upfront and straightforward about what his family thought.
That kind of makes it sound like most of our dating was largely based on him being scared to have a conversation, but there’s more to it. John and I had fantastic emotional intimacy, and we were so supportive of each other. He told me on more than one occasion that his self-confidence increased exponentially since we started dating. The more I got to know John, the more I realized how emotionally isolated he was. He would have exciting things happen, like winning an award, and he wouldn’t tell his family about it. I’d ask why, and he didn’t know.
Now, if this was happening to another woman, I would say, “It sounds like you’re doing a lot of emotional work for a man who is unavailable to you.” And yes, that is true. But we were kind of tit for tat because I have mental health problems (as all beautiful women do) and John dealt with a lot. Looking back on it now, I realize I knew the relationship wasn't going to work, but I didn’t want to confront it. Every month, there would be a couple of days where I would just become a deranged and anxious mess from PMS-ing (yes, I’ve heard all about PMDD). I would do stuff like pick a fight over stupid things and non-issues. I would always calm down and apologize shortly thereafter, but still, dealing with that behavior regularly must be exhausting on the receiving end. I told John as much several times, but he always responded that it was no trouble at all.
So yes, he avoided hard conversations. But so did I. That seems obvious now, but if I’m being honest, that only occurred to me a few weeks ago. We were both to blame in that regard. But the other thing is: we didn't want to break up. We were in love and had a great relationship together. I fantasized about a future together and the cute kids we would have.
Things eventually ended last fall. He told me that when he tried to talk to his family about me, they would say things like, “We can’t believe you’re still dating her”. Simultaneously, I was pressuring him to decide whether he would stand by the relationship and stand up to his parents.
John’s family won, and the relationship ended, but it wasn’t what either of us wanted. Losing someone I loved because of something external to the relationship was difficult - it didn’t seem fair. They had never met me as John’s girlfriend; they didn’t even know me. But the deeper underlying issue is that John wasn’t brave enough for the relationship to work.
And I deserve better than that.
The Breakup Diaries chronicles my first gut-wrenching heartbreak: the relationship, the ending, and everything I learned about myself on the other side. The four-part series is linked below
Part 1: The Beginning & End (you’re here)